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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Killer Swears Girl Was In Two Pieces When He Left Her

CORVALLIS, OR—Apprehended drifter Gary Lee Haynesworth strongly denied any involvement in the dismemberment and skinning of 16-year-old Jackson High School cheerleader Tracy Stebbins, claiming he did nothing more than "cleanly bisect" her body just below the waist with a jigsaw after strangling her. "What do you mean, where am I keeping her arm?" Haynesworth reportedly asked police. "It was there when I dumped her in the lumberyard. And I would never decapitate someone so crudely and keep their head as a trophy. What am I, some kind of sicko?" Officers said Haynesworth, who waived his right to remain silent, has been extremely cooperative in explaining at length and in great detail exactly how he would have done it.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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