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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Killer Swears Girl Was In Two Pieces When He Left Her

CORVALLIS, OR—Apprehended drifter Gary Lee Haynesworth strongly denied any involvement in the dismemberment and skinning of 16-year-old Jackson High School cheerleader Tracy Stebbins, claiming he did nothing more than "cleanly bisect" her body just below the waist with a jigsaw after strangling her. "What do you mean, where am I keeping her arm?" Haynesworth reportedly asked police. "It was there when I dumped her in the lumberyard. And I would never decapitate someone so crudely and keep their head as a trophy. What am I, some kind of sicko?" Officers said Haynesworth, who waived his right to remain silent, has been extremely cooperative in explaining at length and in great detail exactly how he would have done it.

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