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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Killer Swears Girl Was In Two Pieces When He Left Her

CORVALLIS, OR—Apprehended drifter Gary Lee Haynesworth strongly denied any involvement in the dismemberment and skinning of 16-year-old Jackson High School cheerleader Tracy Stebbins, claiming he did nothing more than "cleanly bisect" her body just below the waist with a jigsaw after strangling her. "What do you mean, where am I keeping her arm?" Haynesworth reportedly asked police. "It was there when I dumped her in the lumberyard. And I would never decapitate someone so crudely and keep their head as a trophy. What am I, some kind of sicko?" Officers said Haynesworth, who waived his right to remain silent, has been extremely cooperative in explaining at length and in great detail exactly how he would have done it.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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