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Kim Jong-Il Doesn't Know How He Keeps Winning Lottery

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

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Kim Jong-Il Doesn't Know How He Keeps Winning Lottery

PYONGYANG—After winning his ninth $10 million lottery jackpot in as many weeks, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il continues to be "stunned" by his good luck. "Certainly the fates smile with a benevolent countenance upon myself, the most Exalted Supreme Leader-For-Life of the great nation of Korea!" said Kim, who acts as Chairman of the National Democratic Council, Commander of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Director of the North Korean Powerball and MegaMillions Lotteries, and General Secretary of the Worker's Party of Korea. "Truly, heaven has blessed me once again with great wealth, as well as the love of my people!" The dictator said the winnings come at a particularly fortuitous time, as he is currently broke after spending all of his previous eight jackpots on plutonium.

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