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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Kim Jong-Il Doesn't Know How He Keeps Winning Lottery

PYONGYANG—After winning his ninth $10 million lottery jackpot in as many weeks, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il continues to be "stunned" by his good luck. "Certainly the fates smile with a benevolent countenance upon myself, the most Exalted Supreme Leader-For-Life of the great nation of Korea!" said Kim, who acts as Chairman of the National Democratic Council, Commander of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Director of the North Korean Powerball and MegaMillions Lotteries, and General Secretary of the Worker's Party of Korea. "Truly, heaven has blessed me once again with great wealth, as well as the love of my people!" The dictator said the winnings come at a particularly fortuitous time, as he is currently broke after spending all of his previous eight jackpots on plutonium.

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