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Kim Jong-Un, Justin Timberlake Meet To Pick New Pope, According To Shameless Attempt To Increase Web Traffic

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Kim Jong-Un, Justin Timberlake Meet To Pick New Pope, According To Shameless Attempt To Increase Web Traffic

VATICAN CITY—North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, pop star Justin Timberlake, the entire cast of Oz The Great And Powerful, LeBron James, and Samsung’s new Galaxy S IV smartphone convened at the Vatican Tuesday to begin the process of selecting a new pope, according to bald-faced, desperately sensationalistic reports aimed at boosting online traffic to a web publication. “As per Vatican tradition, the papal conclave opened today with a star-studded concert featuring One Direction, Adele, and Justin Bieber, and which included a mass performance of the Harlem Shake,” read the utterly shameless piece of content that was guest-edited by Barack Obama and was posted online at 10:30 a.m. on what happened to be a rather slow news day. “Afterward, following the ceremonial discussion of 10 shocking predictions about the upcoming season of Mad Men, the electors retired for deliberations behind closed doors at the Sistine Chapel, where they will use color-coded smoke signals to reveal the sex of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s unborn child.” Unabashed click-baiting sources confirmed that Cardinal Leaked Photos Of Apple’s iWatch appeared to be the clear favorite to become the next pontiff.

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