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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Kim Jong-Un, Justin Timberlake Meet To Pick New Pope, According To Shameless Attempt To Increase Web Traffic

VATICAN CITY—North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, pop star Justin Timberlake, the entire cast of Oz The Great And Powerful, LeBron James, and Samsung’s new Galaxy S IV smartphone convened at the Vatican Tuesday to begin the process of selecting a new pope, according to bald-faced, desperately sensationalistic reports aimed at boosting online traffic to a web publication. “As per Vatican tradition, the papal conclave opened today with a star-studded concert featuring One Direction, Adele, and Justin Bieber, and which included a mass performance of the Harlem Shake,” read the utterly shameless piece of content that was guest-edited by Barack Obama and was posted online at 10:30 a.m. on what happened to be a rather slow news day. “Afterward, following the ceremonial discussion of 10 shocking predictions about the upcoming season of Mad Men, the electors retired for deliberations behind closed doors at the Sistine Chapel, where they will use color-coded smoke signals to reveal the sex of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s unborn child.” Unabashed click-baiting sources confirmed that Cardinal Leaked Photos Of Apple’s iWatch appeared to be the clear favorite to become the next pontiff.

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