Kim Jong-Un, Justin Timberlake Meet To Pick New Pope, According To Shameless Attempt To Increase Web Traffic

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Vol 49 Issue 11

Splash

ABC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Louie Anderson, and other celebrities compete to see which one has the most mismanaged finances.

Saturday, March 23

There’s no Bloodmobile this week. Still have some left over from last time, matter of fact.

Stupid Ponds, Faggy Rivers

National Geographic 7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT Moody teenage host Grant Brock takes you to a few aquatic locales only a gay idiot would be dumb enough to enjoy.

Nadal Hits Shot Super Low To The Net

INDIAN WELLS, CA—In an interview following his 4-6, 6-4, 7-5 victory over Ernests Gulbis at the BNP Paribas Open, Spanish tennis player Rafael Nadal recounted hitting a shot during the second set Thursday that went super low over the net.

GOP Senator Flips On Gay Marriage After Son Comes Out

Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH), a leading conservative who was on Mitt Romney’s shortlist for vice president, announced the reversal of his longstanding position against same-sex marriage, saying he had a change of heart after his son came out to him two y...

NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt

The word 'innovate' is said over 24 million times at SXSW, NASA designers release a flirty new spaceskirt, and the next episode of 'Girls' to feature Lena Dunham shitting herself during gyno exam while eating a burrito.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Kim Jong-Un, Justin Timberlake Meet To Pick New Pope, According To Shameless Attempt To Increase Web Traffic

VATICAN CITY—North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, pop star Justin Timberlake, the entire cast of Oz The Great And Powerful, LeBron James, and Samsung’s new Galaxy S IV smartphone convened at the Vatican Tuesday to begin the process of selecting a new pope, according to bald-faced, desperately sensationalistic reports aimed at boosting online traffic to a web publication. “As per Vatican tradition, the papal conclave opened today with a star-studded concert featuring One Direction, Adele, and Justin Bieber, and which included a mass performance of the Harlem Shake,” read the utterly shameless piece of content that was guest-edited by Barack Obama and was posted online at 10:30 a.m. on what happened to be a rather slow news day. “Afterward, following the ceremonial discussion of 10 shocking predictions about the upcoming season of Mad Men, the electors retired for deliberations behind closed doors at the Sistine Chapel, where they will use color-coded smoke signals to reveal the sex of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s unborn child.” Unabashed click-baiting sources confirmed that Cardinal Leaked Photos Of Apple’s iWatch appeared to be the clear favorite to become the next pontiff.

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