Kim Jong-Un Volunteers For First Shift Of Wife's Suicide Watch

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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Kim Jong-Un Volunteers For First Shift Of Wife's Suicide Watch

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—One day after his marriage to Ri Sol-ju was officially announced on state television, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un volunteered to take the first shift of his wife’s suicide watch, sources confirmed Thursday evening. "I've got this watch, then [Vice Marshall Hyon] Yong-chol, you'll take the 12 a.m. to 4 a.m. shift, and [Supreme People’s Assembly Chairman Kim] Young-nam, you'll do 4 to 8," Kim reportedly said, instructing aides to search "every inch" of the first lady’s padded bedroom for any concealed vials of poison or sharpened household objects. "I want eyes on her at all times. If she tries to fashion a noose from a bedsheet, get in there right away." According to sources, Kim was forced to rush into his wife’s room six minutes into his watch upon realizing that her shoelaces hadn’t been removed.

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