adBlockCheck

International

Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Kim Jong-Un Volunteers For First Shift Of Wife's Suicide Watch

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—One day after his marriage to Ri Sol-ju was officially announced on state television, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un volunteered to take the first shift of his wife’s suicide watch, sources confirmed Thursday evening. "I've got this watch, then [Vice Marshall Hyon] Yong-chol, you'll take the 12 a.m. to 4 a.m. shift, and [Supreme People’s Assembly Chairman Kim] Young-nam, you'll do 4 to 8," Kim reportedly said, instructing aides to search "every inch" of the first lady’s padded bedroom for any concealed vials of poison or sharpened household objects. "I want eyes on her at all times. If she tries to fashion a noose from a bedsheet, get in there right away." According to sources, Kim was forced to rush into his wife’s room six minutes into his watch upon realizing that her shoelaces hadn’t been removed.

More from this section

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close