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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Kim Jong-Un Wonders If Nuclear Threats Distracting Him From Real Goal Of Starving Citizenry

PYONGYANG—Amidst escalating tensions between North Korea and the global community, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un expressed concern Tuesday that his ongoing threats of inciting a nuclear war are distracting him from the more fundamental goal of starving his citizens. “I know it’s important to focus on making bold and increasingly outlandish threats involving nuclear weapons, but at the same time, I’ve got millions of people out there who need to be starved, and isn’t that ultimately priority number one?” the North Korean dictator wondered aloud, adding that his obsession with eradicating the West in a hail of nuclear rockets may have caused him to “lose sight” of his main responsibility of allowing the nearly 25 million men, women, and children under his watch to starve to death. “Here I am working around the clock to expand our nuclear program so that our foes might feel the bitter sting of their arrogance, and, meanwhile, we haven’t had a proper famine in nearly 15 years. I think we can ultimately accomplish both goals, of course, but I just don’t want to take my foot off the pedal when it comes to nationwide malnutrition and hunger, because that’s our real bread and butter around here.” Kim added he was happy, however, with the job he’s done juggling insane, warmongering rhetoric with gross human rights abuses.

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