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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Kim Jong-Un’s Absence Leaves North Korean Government Officials No One To Agree With

PYONGYANG—Explaining that the highest levels of government were currently in a state of disarray, international affairs experts confirmed Friday that the continuing absence of Kim Jong-un had left top-ranking North Korean officials with nobody to agree with. “North Korea’s Supreme People’s Assembly and National Defence Commission have effectively been brought to a standstill, as government figures have had no one to heartily concur with, repeat verbatim, and then congratulate for their careful thought and insight,” said Henry Lawrence of the Foreign Policy Research Institute, who noted that North Korea’s political, economic, and military structures are built around a regimented system of repeating the words “Yes, certainly” and respectful nodding. “As long as Kim continues to face health problems, this agreement vacuum at the top of the North Korean power structure could grow even more acute. It’s hard to see how this country can move forward much longer without someone whose views top bureaucrats can vigorously assent to while bowing.” Lawrence noted, however, that Kim’s absence over the past 37 days had afforded officials some much-needed time to catch up on a backlog of executions.

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