Kim Jong-Un's Wife Escapes North Korea In Long-Range Missile

Top Headlines

Recent News

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports


Kim Jong-Un's Wife Escapes North Korea In Long-Range Missile

PYONGYANG—Following North Korea’s sudden and controversial launch of a long-range rocket Wednesday morning, reports have confirmed that Ri Sol-ju, the wife of leader Kim Jong-un, successfully jumped inside the missile just in time to escape the communist country.

“At this time, we are able to confirm that Ri Sol-ju did, in fact, manage to board the Unha-3 mere seconds before it propelled off the ground,” said Defense Department spokesman John Kirby, noting that Ri “quickly evaded her handlers to jump aboard the 100-kilogram missile” in a frantic, yet successful, attempt to abandon her life in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. “When we found Ri this morning, she was floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean clinging to the remnants of the missile.”

“There were tears streaming down her face,” Kirby added. “She kept begging us over and over not to send her back.”

Speaking to reporters only hours after being found by U.S. government officials, Ri said that while she was fully aware that jumping aboard the rocket could have killed her, she was certain it was “the only option [she] truly had.”

“I knew the missile could easily explode seconds after taking off and immediately incinerate me, but the second I got inside, it was the happiest I’d felt in nearly a year,” said Ri, noting that she was “willing to do whatever it took to get out of North Korea.” “To escape the grip of paranoia and fear is all I ever wanted. Never again will I have to see our Outstanding Leader’s face, or live under constant fear of reprisals.”

“Please do not tell Kim where I am,” Ri added. “He will find me; he will search me out and find me. I cannot face the work camp. Please, please, I beg of you.”

At press time, North Korean officials issued a promise to all world nations that they would “be spared” if they returned Ri to Pyongyang immediately.