adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Kim Jong-Un's Wife On Nuclear Threats: 'This Isn't The Man I Was Forced To Marry'

PYONGYANG—Ri Sol-ju, wife of North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un, opened up to reporters Thursday about her husband’s warmongering, saying that the Dear Leader’s recent bluster was totally uncharacteristic of the man she was forced to marry three years ago. “Since being ordered by my government to spend the rest of my life with this man, I’ve gotten to know him very well, and I can tell you that the Jong-un threatening nuclear war is not the same Jong-un who plucked me out of a parade and demanded I cut ties with my family,” said Ri, adding that she still believes the controlling despot who erased her identity and forbade her from leaving the residential villa is in there somewhere. “The man you see promising missile strikes on U.S. targets is not the person I was forced to fall in love with. And he’s certainly not the same father to the child I was forced to have with him. It’s upsetting to admit, but when I’m told to sit across from Jong-un at the breakfast table, I don’t even know who I’m looking at anymore.” When reached for further comment, North Korean officials said that Ri would be unavailable for the foreseeable future.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close