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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Kim Rhode

Shooting — El Monte, California

Shooting Style: Oh, you’ll find out

Reasons For Shooting Skeet: Self-defense; thinning of ever-rising skeet population

Bad Habits: Constantly scratching at crotch with shotgun

Motivation: Replacing her 1996 and 2004 gold medals, which have a ton of bullet holes in them by now

Favorite Gun Accessory: Other guns

Controversies: Doesn’t consume every part of skeet; stripped of gold medal in double trap after overwhelming evidence of a second shooter

NEXT: Lolo Jones

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