adBlockCheck

Kindergarten Class Burning Through 6 Hamsters A Year

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Kindergarten Class Burning Through 6 Hamsters A Year

LIGONIER, PA—Attributing the high levels of attrition to a combination of handling errors and poor oversight, Holy Trinity School kindergarten teacher Alyssa D’Orazio told reporters today that her class is currently burning through hamsters at a rate of six per year, with every indication that the figure will rise. “We blew through two in one week this October,” said D’Orazio, adding that if her students continue to cycle through the rodents at this pace, current classroom pet Lancelot likely will not live to see Thanksgiving break. “Take-homes are now a hard, hard no. But I figure if we reduce out-of-cage playtime and take Rory and Eva off feeding privileges entirely, we might be able to get the average down to a more reasonable number.” D’Orazio added that if Benjamin Szygenda were to be transferred to a different class, it would likely have an “enormously positive” effect on their average hamster’s lifespan.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close