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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Kindergarten Class Burning Through 6 Hamsters A Year

LIGONIER, PA—Attributing the high levels of attrition to a combination of handling errors and poor oversight, Holy Trinity School kindergarten teacher Alyssa D’Orazio told reporters today that her class is currently burning through hamsters at a rate of six per year, with every indication that the figure will rise. “We blew through two in one week this October,” said D’Orazio, adding that if her students continue to cycle through the rodents at this pace, current classroom pet Lancelot likely will not live to see Thanksgiving break. “Take-homes are now a hard, hard no. But I figure if we reduce out-of-cage playtime and take Rory and Eva off feeding privileges entirely, we might be able to get the average down to a more reasonable number.” D’Orazio added that if Benjamin Szygenda were to be transferred to a different class, it would likely have an “enormously positive” effect on their average hamster’s lifespan.

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