adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

King Hippo's New Boxing Gym Allows 8-Bit Teenagers To Get Off Pixelated Streets

NEW YORK—Former World Video Boxing Association heavyweight King Hippo opened a new boxing gym this month, saying he hopes to provide a healthy outlet for troubled 8-bit teens and keep poorly rendered youths off the pixilated streets.

“Most of these kids come from extremely low-res backgrounds, so our boxing programming offers a safe, positive 2-D environment,” said Hippo, adding that competing in the ring significantly improves discipline, mental focus, emotional management, and the ability to power up. “My mission is to ensure they don’t end up in some dark pixelated alley throwing boxes at thugs or striking a boss with a whip found on the pavement.”

“Sadly, the majority of 8-bit teens never finish school or advance to the next level, and they end up wasting their extra lives,” Hippo continued. “It truly breaks your heart meter.”

Lamenting that the youths he’s met do not have the NES Advantages commonly found in more affluent areas, Hippo said he believes that at the very least boxing gives guidance to teens from neighborhoods decimated by terrible graphics.

The 25-year-old retired pugilist confirmed that his ultimate goal is to help outside the ring by preventing digital adolescents from becoming involved with alcohol, drugs, and gangs on large conveyor belts in abandoned factories.

Hippo said he has enlisted Doc Louis, the trainer of 500-million-time WVBA champion Little Mac, to help at the gym by teaching the 8-bit juveniles about the basics of throwing a star punch, recognizing fighting patterns, and improving finger speed.

Louis, who reportedly derived his aerobic training plan from a 3-D world running regimen that has helped many youths in Solar System #517 to lose weight and overcome obstacles, said that at-risk 8-bit teens see almost immediate health benefits, including stamina boosts.

“On the first day, the young people think they’re fairly tough,” Louis said. “But after a few rounds, most of them are so exhausted they turn pink and are too tired to throw a punch.”

“Just by boxing for a short period of time, these kids start making changes for the better, becoming more confident, healthier, and happier,” Louis added. “The big blocky smiles on their faces say it all.”

Both King Hippo and Doc Louis said they draw on their eclectic careers to share hints on increasing reaction time, causing extra damage, and alternating left and right punches to the face after an opponent misses with an uppercut.

“The 8-bit teens sparring at the gym are so eager learn,” Hippo said. “They understand the importance of patience, blocking attacks, and dodging. And they want to know everything about recognizing visual and audio clues so they can, for example, punch an adversary in the stomach right when a camera flash goes off in the crowd.”

“It’s amazing that some of them have already developed a signature move,” Hippo added.

Hippo confirmed that his most crucial job at the boxing gym is to provide a well-rendered role model for the low-res youth.

“Now, for the first time in their lives, they believe they can escape their single-pixel homes when they grow up,” Hippo said. “They can even dream big about one day becoming champion of the Another World Circuit.”

“It’s hard to fathom that a couple weeks ago the best they could imagine was becoming a Rad Racer and blasting loud square waves from the car stereo,” Hippo added.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close