adBlockCheck

Kinko's Manager Hopes Child Stays Missing A Little Longer

Top Headlines

Local

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Kinko's Manager Hopes Child Stays Missing A Little Longer

RICHMOND, VA—As a local FedEx Kinko's became the nerve center of a desperate search for missing 9-year-old Haley Bonhomme, branch manager Thomas Pyle expressed a "deep personal investment" in the tragedy. The 35-year-old copy-store veteran remains eager to facilitate the girl's frantic parents' bulk-orders of hundreds of flyers, posters, and notices, he said.

Pyle says "whether or not there's a funeral service, the family can count on great service" from his staff.

"Along with everyone else, I hope and pray that little Haley eventually turns up safe and sound," Pyle said. "I also want to assure the Bonhomme family that everyone on our friendly, helpful staff will be more than happy to advise them on any additional paper stock, color, and, as time drags on, bulk-purchasing and large-format presentation options. Whatever we can do to help."

Following Haley's disappearance during a family outing at Byrd Park Tuesday, her parents, Robert and Susan Bonhomme, have printed more than 500 flyers, about 220 of which have been distributed.

"Since Haley went missing, the outpouring of concern from family members and the community at large has deeply affected all of us here at FedEx Kinko's," Pyle said, adding that the store's copiers have been "humming like never before" as the search reaches the 72-hour mark. "It seems like Bob, Sue, or one of their friends comes in here every few hours like clockwork, cranking out a hundred more crisp, clear, high-quality copies."

Pyle himself has pitched in to aid the search effort by recommending a higher-grade paper stock that could be stapled to telephone poles and better withstand the elements.

"They were going to choose cheap, lightweight paper that would just turn to pulp if there was a sudden rain shower," Pyle said. "I recommended the saffron color, too, so they'd stand out. It means an extra four cents per copy, but money should be the farthest thing from people's minds when a little girl is missing."

Pyle also suggested that the Bonhommes allow the staff to make copies, saying that, while it's a few dollars more, the family "should really be out there searching."

While Pyle called the family's original hand-printed flyer "simple and poignant," he steered them toward a more professional desktop-publishing approach, introducing a wide array of font and graphic choices. "This crisis has become the town's, as well as FedEx Kinko's, number-one priority," Pyle said. "That's why the Bonhommes need something that pops and grabs the attention of passersby: bolder, sans-serif fonts, and bigger size. Plus, we usually only laminate business cards, but a little-known fact is that we can laminate anything up to 18 by 24 inches."

Pyle also informed the distraught parents that the store's computer stations could be used for checking e-mail and the Internet for possible leads and tips about their daughter at very competitive rates.

"With our full WiFi capability, FedEx Kinko's is ideal for lost-child-reporting technology access," Pyle said. "And, God forbid it comes to this, our overnight shipping services would at least guarantee the speedy arrival of a ransom payment."

Pyle said the crisis will not only bring FedEx Kinkos and the family closer, but could bring in new customers as well.

"Everyone involved in this search is seeing why we're the clear choice for emergencies great and small," said Pyle. "And with 24-hour service, FedEx Kinko's will always be there for you."

"As much as we all want to see her found, I have to admit that this synergy is a win-win for both of us," he added. "Our flyers are helping them raise awareness of their daughter's disappearance, while at the same time generating word-of-mouth buzz about our excellent printing and copying options. Having said that, my heart goes out to them at this difficult time."  

Pyle added that, even in a worst-case scenario, he hoped the Bonhommes would still turn to FedEx Kinko's.

"They've certainly earned a discount on a beautiful 7' x 2' color banner which can read 'Welcome Home, Haley' just as easily as 'Farewell, Sweet Angel,'" Pyle said.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close