Kiss Army Rocked By Allegations Of Propriety

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Vol 31 Issue 14

Love For Jesus Inspires Honk

SALT LAKE CITY—Spurred on by an automotive decal, or "bumper sticker," an area woman's love for Jesus Christ was manifested in honk form Monday. "I do love Jesus," explained Millicent Walters. "Therefore, at the behest of the sticker, I honked." Witnesses described the sticker as one which urged Jesus-loving motorists to sound their automobile horns. The specific purpose of the honking was not clear.

Shirtless Lifeguard Investigates Paranormal Phenomena

MALIBU, CA—In a remarkable display of dedication to human safety, area lifeguard Mitch Buchannon has sacrificed all possible leisure time to jointly pursue beach safety by day and paranormal investigation by night. "The world faces countless dangers, from strong tides to para-dimensional soul catchers," Buchannon said. "It is up to all of us to make a difference in whatever way we can. My way is to work as both a lifeguard and a paranormal investigator." Buchannon says that he draws inspiration from his mother, a longtime legal secretary who recently began investigating UFO-conspiracy government cover-ups in the evenings.

'Everything's $10,000' Chain Goes Out Of Business

WHEELING, WV—Citing "phenomenally poor sales," the retail chain Everything's $10,000 filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday. "When we started, we were all really excited about the concept," the chain's CEO, Carl Rasmussen, said. "You could walk in the store, plunk down 10 grand and walk out with anything you saw on the shelves. We carried everything from pillowcases to staplers to toy rifles for the kids. Unfortunately, the public just never seemed to respond." When pressed for the reasons for the chain's failure, Rasmussen was unsure: "It's hard to say. Perhaps we didn't do a good enough job marketing ourselves." Rasmussen said he would eventually like to open a "more upscale shop, perhaps in the five to seven million dollar range," to fill the space housing Everything's $10,000, located in the Wheeling Plaza strip mall between Pat's Laundromat and Arby's.

CIA To Shift Focus To Greeting Cards

WASHINGTON, DC—After decades devoted to toppling Third World regimes and pumping crack into America's inner cities, CIA Director Robert Gates announced Monday that the agency will phase out covert paramilitary operations to focus exclusively on the production a new line of greeting cards. "Around the time we neutralized Vince Foster, we began to have doubts about whether this is what we really want to do," Gates said. "After last month's top-secret burial of toxic waste in Honduras, I just thought, 'You know what? There's a lot more to life than this.' That 'more,' for us, is the spreading of happy wishes to people on days that are special to them." The CIA's first card is expected to feature a cute bunny with birthday wishes for a special boy who is three today.

Computer Countdown To '00

There is widespread fear among computer experts that the turn of the millennium will create vast problems, as computers across the world—programmed with only the last two digits of a year—will mistake 2000 for 1900. What do you think?

Ask A Morally Weak Preacher

Father Paul Byrne is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Morally Weak Preacher, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Oh, I So Nervous!

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Where Are My Prosthetic Ears?

Nurse! Turn this room inside out! No one in this estate will eat their bread and gruel until my prosthetic ears are found! I just saw the things not one, maybe two hours ago! Where in the name of the Apostles could they be?
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Kiss Army Rocked By Allegations Of Propriety

DETROIT ROCK CITY—The Kiss Army, long respected for its traditions of disobedience, insubordination and guitar-fueled mayhem, is the subject of a federal investigation following recent allegations of widespread propriety among its ranks.

Incriminating photographic evidence of Kiss Army General Kurt "Deuce" Dobson, 39, conducting himself in a wholly non-rocking manner.

The investigation, which implicates a number of high-level Kiss Army members, cites numerous reports of "highly inappropriate behavior among Kiss Army members, including marriage, steady employment and child-rearing," said Sen. Paul Wellstone (D-MN), chair of the Kiss Armed Services Committee.

The Senate called for hearings after securing testimony from an unnamed Kiss Army insider stating that Kiss Army Commander Doug Haines—best known as the screaming concertgoer in the 1978 made-for-TV movie Kiss Meets The Phantom who wears a mesh shirt and holds up a "God of Thunder" sign—is now a 41-year-old, San Diego-area certified public accountant and father of three.

"It appears that 'Hellhound' Haines, as he was once known, no longer rocks and rolls all night," Wellstone said. "Additionally, nor does he party every day."

According to the senator, reports from Kiss Army whistle-blowers indicate that, at most, Haines parties two to three times a week. "We have reason to believe," Wellstone said, "that Commander Haines rocks and rolls until no later than 8 or 9 p.m.—Friday and Saturday nights only—and then sips a mug of hot milk before retiring for the evening."

Though Haines' attorneys were quick to respond to the charges by producing a photo of Haines and Kiss guitarist Gene 'The Demon' Simmons making the Satan hand gesture as proof of their client's impropriety, the defense quickly unraveled when the photo was revealed to date back to 1978.

Adding to the Kiss Army scandal is evidence from the confiscated family photo album of Kiss Brigadier General Tony "Love Gun" Luft, which suggests that the last time Luft, 39, appeared in full Kiss face paint was Halloween of 1985.

Kiss Army officials have promised full cooperation with the investigation, assuring the public that the matter is being taken seriously.

"This is not the sort of behavior the Kiss Army stands for," said General Joe "Strutter" Schumacher from Kiss Army Command Headquarters in Detroit Rock City, with the classic Kiss track "Parasite" from the Rock and Roll Over LP blasting in the background. "The Kiss Army has every intention of seeking out the individuals responsible for these polite, responsible and mature acts, and seeing to it that they are punished to the fullest extent of military law."

But despite Kiss Army Command's assurance of full cooperation with the investigation, many critics are calling it a case of "too little, too late."

"Behavior of the most appropriate nature has has been tolerated throughout the Kiss Army ranks," said special investigator Hal Mirsch, who on Monday filed a class-action suit against the Kiss Army on behalf of a group of 13- to 17-year-old males who, Mirsch alleges, have been deprived of adequate anti-social and disruptive role models as a result of Kiss Army propriety.

In his remarks before a congressional panel Monday, Mirsch painted a frightening picture. "The Kiss Army is not what it used to be," he said. "As much as 75 percent of the Kiss Army is now over the age of 40. Once crazed, untamed party animals, they are now, by and large, a clean-cut and responsible group of taxpayers. Over 80 percent are married with children, and nearly all of them have full-time jobs. Is that what you would call 'Putting The X In Sex'? I don't think so."

In addition to Haines and Luft, numerous other top Kiss Army officials have been implicated in the scandal. Violations range from the relatively minor, such as leaving 1996 Kiss reunion-tour shows early to "beat the traffic" out of the stadium, to the very serious, including establishing savings accounts to finance future orthodonture for their children. A top Kiss Army official was recently photographed attending an orchid show with his mother-in-law. Another is rumored to be involved in selling insurance.

"We are letting Ace, Paul, Gene and all those drummers they had down," Schumacher said. "But most important is that we're letting down the next generation. They deserve better than this. If things continue in the present vein, we won't be able to drive them wild, and neither will they, in turn, be able to drive us crazy."

Anyone who wishes to report a case of Kiss Army propriety is encouraged to call a special toll-free hotline number. Authorities note that the 69th caller each hour will receive a limited-edition, autographed copy of the band's crucial 1975 double-length concert album, Alive, in the original, silver-foil gatefold LP format.

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