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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Klingon Speakers Now Outnumber Navajo Speakers

NEW YORK—According to a report released Monday by the Modern Language Association, speakers of the Star Trek-based Klingon language outnumber individuals fluent in Navajo by a margin of more than seven-to-one.

"Navajo, a 3,000-year-old Native American tonal language belonging to the Athabaskan/Na-Dené group of tongues, is clearly dying and will likely be extinct by 2010," MLA president Frederick Toback said. "Fortunately, though, the sad, steady decline of this once-proud Native American tongue has been more than offset by a rising interest in Klingon culture."

Klingon speakers said they are pleased with the report. "Every day, more and more people are discovering the excitement and challenge of Klingon, or, as it's called by native speakers, tlhIngan-Hol," said Doug "HoD trI'Qal" Petersen, an official grammarian at the Klingon Language Institute. "After just a few weeks of studying Klingon, you, too will be saying 'qo' mey poSmoH Hol!'"

"For those new to the language," Petersen continued, "a terrific place to start is Marc Okrand's The Klingon Dictionary, published by Pocket Books. After that, I'd suggest The Klingon Way, also by Okrand. A marvelous guide to all things Klingon, it contains everything from recipes for Durani lizard skins to the proper way to address a B'rel Scout to the complete lyrics to The Warrior's Anthem."

As membership in the KLI continues to swell, the Navajo population, whose lands occupy approximately 25,000 square miles in the four corners of Arizona, Utah, Colorado and New Mexico, has dwindled to 150,000.

"Our people are chained to the terrible suffering of our past like a falcon without wings," said Daniel Littlefoot, president of the Navajo Nation. "We consume alcohol and it, in turn, consumes us."

One of the many learn-to-speak-Klingon interactive CD-ROMs currently on the market.

With the surge of interest in Klingon has come a corresponding surge in publishing. Klingon-language editions of The Iliad, Hamlet and The Bible are now available, as well as the classic Klingon tale The Eyes Of Kahless.

"More than 200 titles are currently available, with more on the way all the time," said Bob "nIteb'Ha" Janowitz, editor of HolQeD, a quarterly Klingon literary journal. "It truly is a booming industry."

Though the basics of Navajo are still taught in some reservation schools, and the language is spoken ceremonially at tribal council meetings, most Navajos do not bother to retain their knowledge after leaving school.

"The number of truly fluent Navajo speakers stands at less than a thousand," Littlefoot said. "And of these thousand, only a handful are less than 60 years old. Within a generation, our 4,000-year-old tongue will be dust."

"We have people from all walks of life here," said Jennifer "pekaQ" Proehl, a member of the Klingon Language Institute's High Council. "Students, computer programmers, salespeople--all of them banding together in the proud Klingon tradition."

According to Proehl, the Klingon language is just one part of a thriving Klingon culture. KLI members practice Klingon martial arts, participate in Klingon singing and storytelling sessions, and even perform spiritual ceremonies derived from the various Star Trek television series and films.

"What's happening with the Klingon language is extremely exciting," MLA associate director Stephen Hogue said. "If its popularity continues to grow at the current rate, we may consider giving certain Klingon-speaking groups financial support in the form of grants and special-interest funding. Increasingly, the MLA is diverting funds from dying languages like Navajo to vibrant, emergent ones such as Klingon."

"I know this is my home, but there isn't anything here for me," said unemployed Navajo nation member Leonard Murphy, 22, who dropped out of school at 14 and remembers little of the Navajo he learned in elementary school. "Everyone's leaving, getting off the reservation. Now there's nothing to do here except drink beer and watch Star Trek."

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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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