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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
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Knicks Doctors Continue Carefully Reinjuring Carmelo Anthony's Groin

NEW YORK—As the Jeremy Lin phenomenon continues to lift hopes and spirits among the Knicks faithful and basketball fans nationwide, team doctors are doing everything they can to maintain the unusually high level of morale by painstakingly and methodically prolonging the groin injury Carmelo Anthony suffered on February 6.

"Carmelo's injury really isn't that unusual or severe, as these things go, so we've had to be persistent in striking him repeatedly and forcefully in the crotch to prevent him from returning to the lineup," Knicks team doctor Craig McConnell said Friday. "We've had our trainers out there working with him every day, stretching his groin to a painful extent before hitting him with everything they can—clipboards, water bottles, basketballs, rolls of tape, fists, feet, you name it."

"Did you see Jeremy Lin scored more points in his first five games than any player in NBA history?" said McConnell, adding that the only thing that makes him feel better than watching Lin’s success is the sight of Carmelo Anthony rolling on the ground cradling his testicles. "It's a great time to be a Knicks fan, that's for certain."

Anthony's injured groin, originally classified as a muscle strain, has been reevaluated numerous times by the Knicks' medical team. Following diligent work with reflex hammers, clamps, retractors, generous applications of hypodermically administered saline solution, and even their bare hands, doctors have confirmed Anthony's status is now day-to-day, as he suffers from contusions, a subdermal hematoma, broken blood vessels, and, of course, the original strain.

"We've been giving Melo's groin everything we've got, and I have to say, it's responding to treatment very well," said trainer Gus Berg, who had to have his own knuckles taped after giving Anthony's crotch a vigorous examination Wednesday. "The whole training staff is pleased with the way this regimen is going."

According to team sources, the entire Knicks organization, having considered how Anthony's playing style will likely clash with Lin's, has pitched in to help with the groin injury.

Guard Baron Davis, suffering from his own physical woes, has reportedly made a point of companionably kicking Anthony in the crotch during their physical therapy appointments. Head coach Mike D'Antoni—whose offensive philosophy relies on intelligent and unselfish guard play—visited Anthony to review several new plays, which he then rolled into a tube and jammed into Anthony's crotch. And team owner James Dolan, who rarely interacts with his players, stopped by the locker room to cheer Anthony up by showing him some of his patented yo-yo-tricks, all of which seemed to involve whipping the yo-yo really hard into Anthony's groin.

Anthony, for his part, has insisted that he just needs rest, that he could easily coexist on the court with Jeremy Lin, and that he likes the attention but wishes people would stop reinjuring his groin.

"I'm not worried about the groin strain, really, so much as I'm worried about all these people who keep reinjuring me," Anthony told reporters. "I'm spending a lot of time curled up on the floor because of that. I really think I would be able to play again almost right away if it wasn't for people hitting me in the balls all the time."

Anthony's interview was then cut short as several members of the press forcefully struck Anthony in the groin with microphones, cameras, and tape recorders, causing him to collapse to the ground in agony.

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