Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Knicks Doctors Continue Carefully Reinjuring Carmelo Anthony's Groin

NEW YORK—As the Jeremy Lin phenomenon continues to lift hopes and spirits among the Knicks faithful and basketball fans nationwide, team doctors are doing everything they can to maintain the unusually high level of morale by painstakingly and methodically prolonging the groin injury Carmelo Anthony suffered on February 6.

"Carmelo's injury really isn't that unusual or severe, as these things go, so we've had to be persistent in striking him repeatedly and forcefully in the crotch to prevent him from returning to the lineup," Knicks team doctor Craig McConnell said Friday. "We've had our trainers out there working with him every day, stretching his groin to a painful extent before hitting him with everything they can—clipboards, water bottles, basketballs, rolls of tape, fists, feet, you name it."

"Did you see Jeremy Lin scored more points in his first five games than any player in NBA history?" said McConnell, adding that the only thing that makes him feel better than watching Lin’s success is the sight of Carmelo Anthony rolling on the ground cradling his testicles. "It's a great time to be a Knicks fan, that's for certain."

Anthony's injured groin, originally classified as a muscle strain, has been reevaluated numerous times by the Knicks' medical team. Following diligent work with reflex hammers, clamps, retractors, generous applications of hypodermically administered saline solution, and even their bare hands, doctors have confirmed Anthony's status is now day-to-day, as he suffers from contusions, a subdermal hematoma, broken blood vessels, and, of course, the original strain.

"We've been giving Melo's groin everything we've got, and I have to say, it's responding to treatment very well," said trainer Gus Berg, who had to have his own knuckles taped after giving Anthony's crotch a vigorous examination Wednesday. "The whole training staff is pleased with the way this regimen is going."

According to team sources, the entire Knicks organization, having considered how Anthony's playing style will likely clash with Lin's, has pitched in to help with the groin injury.

Guard Baron Davis, suffering from his own physical woes, has reportedly made a point of companionably kicking Anthony in the crotch during their physical therapy appointments. Head coach Mike D'Antoni—whose offensive philosophy relies on intelligent and unselfish guard play—visited Anthony to review several new plays, which he then rolled into a tube and jammed into Anthony's crotch. And team owner James Dolan, who rarely interacts with his players, stopped by the locker room to cheer Anthony up by showing him some of his patented yo-yo-tricks, all of which seemed to involve whipping the yo-yo really hard into Anthony's groin.

Anthony, for his part, has insisted that he just needs rest, that he could easily coexist on the court with Jeremy Lin, and that he likes the attention but wishes people would stop reinjuring his groin.

"I'm not worried about the groin strain, really, so much as I'm worried about all these people who keep reinjuring me," Anthony told reporters. "I'm spending a lot of time curled up on the floor because of that. I really think I would be able to play again almost right away if it wasn't for people hitting me in the balls all the time."

Anthony's interview was then cut short as several members of the press forcefully struck Anthony in the groin with microphones, cameras, and tape recorders, causing him to collapse to the ground in agony.

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