adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Knicks Fast Break Takes Two-And-A-Half Minutes

ATLANTA—A New York Knicks fast break which began with 8:34 remaining in the fourth quarter of Sunday's game against the Atlanta Hawks ended approximately two-and-a-half minutes later on a missed lay-up by shooting guard Jamal Crawford. The typically fast-paced basketball play, which began to take shape when a rebounding David Lee took 45 seconds to figure out which of his teammates would receive the outlet pass, was, according to Knicks coach Isiah Thomas, "A real sign of improvement." "Yes, it was a bit discouraging when we had to start the play over again because Nate [Robinson] forgot he was the point guard and just ran away from the ball, but after we all got on the same page, and when Quentin [Richardson] remembered that Jamal, not him, cuts to the hoop and then flashes ball side, I think we ended up running a pretty decent break," Thomas said in a post-game press conference. "Just because we ultimately had to carefully walk through it in order to get it right doesn't make it less effective." Thomas was not fired following the game.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close