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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Knicks Trade Draft Pick To Raptors In Exchange For Three Wins

NEW YORK—Just minutes before the NBA trade deadline passed last Thursday, New York GM Isiah Thomas traded the Knicks' second-round draft pick to Toronto in return for three of the Raptors' victories. "We looked at a lot of offers, but with this deal, we knew exactly what we were getting," said Thomas, whose critics say this move is only a short-term solution to the Knicks' problems. "I don't think there's any question that this immediately makes us a better team. Just look at the standings—we were in last place by a few games last night, and we've already shot up to fourth. Our fans have been calling for more wins all season, and that's exactly what we've given them." Insiders report that Thomas had also been working on a trade in which Houston would receive all the Knicks' 2006-2007 victories in return for Tracy McGrady, but the deal fell apart after the Rockets said that would "not be nearly enough to help them contend."

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