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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Knife-Throwing, Plate-Spinning Congressman Dominates Newscasts

WASHINGTON, DC—The cries of political grandstanding that have followed him throughout his career do not discourage Rep. "Fantastic" Frank Pallone Jr. (D-NJ), the knife-throwing, plate-spinning congressman. "Don't blink, Koppel," the blindfolded congressman said on Nightline, tossing knives over his shoulder at balloons held by Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). "These are real knives, folks!" Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) denounced the wild and wonderful show, saying that "the nation should be focusing on the Social Security crisis, not cheap tricks—no matter how spine-tingling they may be." In response to Frist, Pallone said, "The GOP would attack anything that didn't further the regressive Republican political agenda," and then placed a spinning plate atop a pole balanced on his chin.

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