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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Knowshon Moreno Asks Broncos If There's Anything Else To Drink Besides Gatorade

SAN DIEGO—Denver running back Knowshon Moreno spent a portion of the Broncos' game against the Chargers Monday night asking team managers if there was anything to drink on the sidelines other than Gatorade. "I'm sick of Gatorade all the time, and I don't want water," said Moreno, who was observed asking a sideline reporter drinking a ginger ale if she "[got] that here or someplace else." "I could definitely go for a Pepsi right now. There's got to be some Pepsi around here. Isn't the NFL sponsored by Pepsi or something?" Later, during a fourth-quarter drive, Moreno reportedly asked his teammates if they wanted a beverage before leaving the field and disappearing into the stands.

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