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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Kobe Bryant Blasts Teammates For Failure To Criticize Pau Gasol

LOS ANGELES—Claiming there was “no excuse” for tolerating weakness, Lakers guard Kobe Bryant publicly called out his teammates Thursday for their failure to condemn center Pau Gasol’s lackluster play this season. “We all need to step up, get right in his face, and vilify him like we really mean it,” said Bryant, who encouraged the entire team to “come together and just attack, attack, attack” the 7-foot-1 Spaniard. “Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one denouncing Pau’s weak style of play every single night. That’s not acceptable. This has to be a team effort. I want our bench guys to get involved. Coach [Mike D’Antoni] is with me on this, but even he knows he could be doing more.” Bryant also issued a challenge to each and every one of his teammates to draw technical fouls for fighting with Pau Gasol during Friday’s game against the Thunder.

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