Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Kobe Bryant Compiles Helpful List Of 435 Aspects Of Game Antawn Jamison Needs To Improve

OAKLAND—In an effort to provide guidance to a teammate, Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant reportedly created a helpful 435-item list Monday, detailing aspects of Antawn Jamison’s game that the forward needs to improve.

Bryant, who presented a small notebook to Jamison at halftime of the team’s game against the Golden State Warriors, encouraged the Lakers forward to carefully study the comprehensive catalog of his numerous deficiencies as a basketball player.

“These are just things that I noticed you were bad at or doing wrong, and I just want you to really think about them,” said Bryant, who was overheard thoughtfully alerting Jamison to each of his shortcomings on the court. “They are organized by defense, offense, and intangibles. You should sit the rest of the game out and concentrate on the list.”

“There’s some stuff that you could never possibly accomplish given your basketball ability, but, you know, I just threw them on there anyway,” Bryant added.

According to Bryant, the in-depth list identifies problem areas such as physical limitations, lackluster intensity, deficient passing skills, sloppy shooting mechanics, careless ball handling, as well as Jamison’s 298 different weaknesses as a defender.

While Bryant confirmed that bullet points specify substandard efforts by Jamison to apply pressure, force turnovers, box-out opponents, rebound, and guard players on the perimeter, the list also provides numerous tips, drills, and strategies for improvement.

“If you put in the extra work on developing a solid foundation, you can definitely learn how to play much better defense,” Bryant told the 2004 NBA Sixth Man of the Year. “Luckily, I’ve triple-underlined all the mistakes you’ve been making and listed a number of techniques and tactics that will hopefully remedy problems like constantly getting beat off the dribble.”

“Obviously, you’re not an intimidating presence in the paint, or anywhere on the court for that matter,” added Bryant. “We don’t have much to work with, but I’ve included an exercise routine and weight-training program that at the very least might bulk you up a little and improve balance.”

Lakers sources confirmed that an excited Bryant spent approximately 15 minutes showing Jamison a portion of the list devoted to disappointing cerebral aspects of 36-year-old’s game, scrutinizing mental toughness, attitude, commitment, determination, and focus.

Bryant, who also displayed a subsection of Jamison’s 6,000 mental errors, which were categorized as idiotic blunders, dipshit moves, or major fuckups, reportedly informed his teammate that he was always available to help or answer questions.


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