Kobe Bryant Compiles Helpful List Of 435 Aspects Of Game Antawn Jamison Needs To Improve

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 13

Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl

An aquarium unveils its new 'Floating Carcasses of the Pacific' exhibit, a guy with 10,000 tweets and 15 followers is about ready to hang it up, and a local father buys string cheese to make coming to his house more fun. It's the week of March 29, 2013.

Arizona Gun Advocates Launch Free Shotgun Giveaway

A group funded by local gun enthusiasts’ donations announced plans to provide free shotguns to citizens in troubled sections of Tucson, AZ, the site of the 2011 mass shooting that left former congresswoman Gabby Giffords severely wounded.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Kobe Bryant Compiles Helpful List Of 435 Aspects Of Game Antawn Jamison Needs To Improve

OAKLAND—In an effort to provide guidance to a teammate, Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant reportedly created a helpful 435-item list Monday, detailing aspects of Antawn Jamison’s game that the forward needs to improve.

Bryant, who presented a small notebook to Jamison at halftime of the team’s game against the Golden State Warriors, encouraged the Lakers forward to carefully study the comprehensive catalog of his numerous deficiencies as a basketball player.

“These are just things that I noticed you were bad at or doing wrong, and I just want you to really think about them,” said Bryant, who was overheard thoughtfully alerting Jamison to each of his shortcomings on the court. “They are organized by defense, offense, and intangibles. You should sit the rest of the game out and concentrate on the list.”

“There’s some stuff that you could never possibly accomplish given your basketball ability, but, you know, I just threw them on there anyway,” Bryant added.

According to Bryant, the in-depth list identifies problem areas such as physical limitations, lackluster intensity, deficient passing skills, sloppy shooting mechanics, careless ball handling, as well as Jamison’s 298 different weaknesses as a defender.

While Bryant confirmed that bullet points specify substandard efforts by Jamison to apply pressure, force turnovers, box-out opponents, rebound, and guard players on the perimeter, the list also provides numerous tips, drills, and strategies for improvement.

“If you put in the extra work on developing a solid foundation, you can definitely learn how to play much better defense,” Bryant told the 2004 NBA Sixth Man of the Year. “Luckily, I’ve triple-underlined all the mistakes you’ve been making and listed a number of techniques and tactics that will hopefully remedy problems like constantly getting beat off the dribble.”

“Obviously, you’re not an intimidating presence in the paint, or anywhere on the court for that matter,” added Bryant. “We don’t have much to work with, but I’ve included an exercise routine and weight-training program that at the very least might bulk you up a little and improve balance.”

Lakers sources confirmed that an excited Bryant spent approximately 15 minutes showing Jamison a portion of the list devoted to disappointing cerebral aspects of 36-year-old’s game, scrutinizing mental toughness, attitude, commitment, determination, and focus.

Bryant, who also displayed a subsection of Jamison’s 6,000 mental errors, which were categorized as idiotic blunders, dipshit moves, or major fuckups, reportedly informed his teammate that he was always available to help or answer questions.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More