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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Kobe Bryant Demanding Things Again

LOS ANGELES—Although Kobe Bryant is withholding comment on whether or not he recently demanded to be traded from the Lakers, the star forward demanded many other things Monday. "I demand that Jerry West be put in charge of player personnel, that my jersey be retired while I am still active yet I be allowed to continue wearing it, that someone get me another VitaminWater, and that I get Shaquille O'Neal back," Kobe told reporters, fans, and Lakers front-office employees at the Staples Center. "Not that the Lakers get Shaq back, but me. I also demand to be inducted into the Hall of Fame at the end of the season; a deal for my own shoe with Nike, Reebok, Adidas, and Starbury; and that everyone love me. Now." Representatives of the Lakers, the Hall of Fame, Shaquille O'Neal, the major shoe companies, and VitaminWater say they are working to meet Bryant's demands.

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