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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Kobe Bryant Demanding Things Again

LOS ANGELES—Although Kobe Bryant is withholding comment on whether or not he recently demanded to be traded from the Lakers, the star forward demanded many other things Monday. "I demand that Jerry West be put in charge of player personnel, that my jersey be retired while I am still active yet I be allowed to continue wearing it, that someone get me another VitaminWater, and that I get Shaquille O'Neal back," Kobe told reporters, fans, and Lakers front-office employees at the Staples Center. "Not that the Lakers get Shaq back, but me. I also demand to be inducted into the Hall of Fame at the end of the season; a deal for my own shoe with Nike, Reebok, Adidas, and Starbury; and that everyone love me. Now." Representatives of the Lakers, the Hall of Fame, Shaquille O'Neal, the major shoe companies, and VitaminWater say they are working to meet Bryant's demands.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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