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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Kobe Bryant Holds Kobe-Bryant-Only Meeting To Discuss Lakers

LOS ANGELES—After a tumultuous and disappointing first half of their season, Kobe Bryant reportedly called a Kobe-Bryant-only meeting Thursday to air out the many issues still plaguing the Lakers. “There are 29 games to go and we’re still under .500, so everybody needs to step their game up right now,” Bryant reportedly said during the closed-door talks, which did not include coaches, upper management, or any of the other 13 players on the Lakers’ roster. “I’m sick of hearing excuses about shoulder injuries or trade speculation. We should be contending for the title, but I feel like I’m the only one out there who even gives a damn. And frankly, that’s pathetic.” Reached for comment, Bryant told reporters the meeting was “very positive,” as it was unanimously agreed that the 15-time All-Star should get more of the ball during games.

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