adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Kobe Bryant In Search Of Another Cause To Put His 49 Points Toward

LOS ANGELES—A day after his team's 118-111 loss to the Phoenix Suns, perennial all-star Kobe Bryant pulled his 49 points from the Lakers' official score sheet Monday and announced he would donate them to a more beneficial cause. "There are a lot of people out there who need these points more than I do," said Bryant, who has accumulated a fortune of more than 23,000 points during his 13-year career. "Habitat for Humanity could put some points toward giving someone a home, and St. Jude children's hospital could use it to cure childhood cancer.... As one of the world's highest scorers, I need to be a more responsible role model." Reactions of Laker players and fans were mixed when Bryant declared that 10 percent of all his subsequent points would go to the ASPCA.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close