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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Kobe Bryant Puppet Finds LeBron James Puppet Dead In Apartment Bathtub

LOS ANGELES—Upon returning to his apartment fresh off advancing to the NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant Puppet discovered his roommate and rival, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James Puppet, lying dead in their bathtub. Los Angeles police officials stated there was no evidence of foul play, as the deep lacerations on James' felt wrists appeared to be self-inflicted. "I knew he was upset about losing to the [Orlando] Magic, but I never thought he would do something like this," the shocked and fabric-based representation of Bryant told reporters, his facial expression stoic and his eyes unblinking. "Maybe I should have seen it coming. One minute LeBron was happy and covering the apartment with talcum powder, and the next he was playing video games and not wanting to be disturbed. Maybe it's my fault for putting my championship rings on display in our apartment." The puppet LeBron is the fifth roommate of either the puppet or real-life Bryant to commit suicide.

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