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Kobe Bryant Puppet Finds LeBron James Puppet Dead In Apartment Bathtub

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Kobe Bryant Puppet Finds LeBron James Puppet Dead In Apartment Bathtub

LOS ANGELES—Upon returning to his apartment fresh off advancing to the NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant Puppet discovered his roommate and rival, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James Puppet, lying dead in their bathtub. Los Angeles police officials stated there was no evidence of foul play, as the deep lacerations on James' felt wrists appeared to be self-inflicted. "I knew he was upset about losing to the [Orlando] Magic, but I never thought he would do something like this," the shocked and fabric-based representation of Bryant told reporters, his facial expression stoic and his eyes unblinking. "Maybe I should have seen it coming. One minute LeBron was happy and covering the apartment with talcum powder, and the next he was playing video games and not wanting to be disturbed. Maybe it's my fault for putting my championship rings on display in our apartment." The puppet LeBron is the fifth roommate of either the puppet or real-life Bryant to commit suicide.

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