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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Kobe Bryant Still Shocked Every Time He Makes A Jump Shot

LOS ANGELES—Despite his above-average field-goal percentage and 31.5 points per game, nine-time NBA All-Star Kobe Bryant admitted that he is "struck with complete and utter wonder" every time he makes a jump shot. "There's barely enough room for the ball to get in the hoop in the first place, the trajectory has to be absolutely perfect, and men who are just as tall and athletic as I am are being paid good money to stop me," Bryant said yesterday in a post-game press conference. "The combination of physics, timing, and pure human instinct involved in getting that ball to describe a perfect scoring arc through the air and into the hoop is... It might as well be an act of God." Bryant credited the mystery of the jump shot for inspiring him to spend long periods of time in churches, museums, and planetariums, meditating on the interconnectedness and seeming impossibility of all things.

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