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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Kobe Bryant Still Shocked Every Time He Makes A Jump Shot

LOS ANGELES—Despite his above-average field-goal percentage and 31.5 points per game, nine-time NBA All-Star Kobe Bryant admitted that he is "struck with complete and utter wonder" every time he makes a jump shot. "There's barely enough room for the ball to get in the hoop in the first place, the trajectory has to be absolutely perfect, and men who are just as tall and athletic as I am are being paid good money to stop me," Bryant said yesterday in a post-game press conference. "The combination of physics, timing, and pure human instinct involved in getting that ball to describe a perfect scoring arc through the air and into the hoop is... It might as well be an act of God." Bryant credited the mystery of the jump shot for inspiring him to spend long periods of time in churches, museums, and planetariums, meditating on the interconnectedness and seeming impossibility of all things.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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