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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Kobe Bryant Still Shocked Every Time He Makes A Jump Shot

LOS ANGELES—Despite his above-average field-goal percentage and 31.5 points per game, nine-time NBA All-Star Kobe Bryant admitted that he is "struck with complete and utter wonder" every time he makes a jump shot. "There's barely enough room for the ball to get in the hoop in the first place, the trajectory has to be absolutely perfect, and men who are just as tall and athletic as I am are being paid good money to stop me," Bryant said yesterday in a post-game press conference. "The combination of physics, timing, and pure human instinct involved in getting that ball to describe a perfect scoring arc through the air and into the hoop is... It might as well be an act of God." Bryant credited the mystery of the jump shot for inspiring him to spend long periods of time in churches, museums, and planetariums, meditating on the interconnectedness and seeming impossibility of all things.

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