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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Koch Brothers Encouraging Youth To Make Voices Heard By Registering Super PAC

WICHITA, KS—Saying that perspectives of young Americans are rarely represented in today’s political discourse, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch released a public statement Thursday encouraging the nation’s youth to make their voices heard in the upcoming midterm elections by establishing an Independent Expenditure-Only Political Action Committee. “Today’s political decisions will have an enormous impact on all young Americans, which is why we hope you’ll participate in the democratic process this election by filling out Federal Election Commission Form 1 identifying yourselves as a 501(c)(4),” said Charles Koch, adding that if the nation’s 18-to-24-year-olds are going to help shape the future of the country, it is vital they begin soliciting millions of dollars in contributions from anonymous donors to be spent on a multilayered media strategy. “We don’t care if you spend your slush fund on attack ads, opposition research, push polling, or anything else—we just want you, the young people of America, to be involved. Managing a mostly unregulated war chest and concealing your strictly prohibited coordination with the candidate of your choice takes very little of your time. So please, don’t sit on the sidelines this November.” The Koch brothers added that they hoped today’s youth would stay politically active after the election by using their wealth to wield unending influence over their representative throughout his or her time in office.

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