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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Koch Brothers Encouraging Youth To Make Voices Heard By Registering Super PAC

WICHITA, KS—Saying that perspectives of young Americans are rarely represented in today’s political discourse, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch released a public statement Thursday encouraging the nation’s youth to make their voices heard in the upcoming midterm elections by establishing an Independent Expenditure-Only Political Action Committee. “Today’s political decisions will have an enormous impact on all young Americans, which is why we hope you’ll participate in the democratic process this election by filling out Federal Election Commission Form 1 identifying yourselves as a 501(c)(4),” said Charles Koch, adding that if the nation’s 18-to-24-year-olds are going to help shape the future of the country, it is vital they begin soliciting millions of dollars in contributions from anonymous donors to be spent on a multilayered media strategy. “We don’t care if you spend your slush fund on attack ads, opposition research, push polling, or anything else—we just want you, the young people of America, to be involved. Managing a mostly unregulated war chest and concealing your strictly prohibited coordination with the candidate of your choice takes very little of your time. So please, don’t sit on the sidelines this November.” The Koch brothers added that they hoped today’s youth would stay politically active after the election by using their wealth to wield unending influence over their representative throughout his or her time in office.

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