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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Koch Brothers Encouraging Youth To Make Voices Heard By Registering Super PAC

WICHITA, KS—Saying that perspectives of young Americans are rarely represented in today’s political discourse, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch released a public statement Thursday encouraging the nation’s youth to make their voices heard in the upcoming midterm elections by establishing an Independent Expenditure-Only Political Action Committee. “Today’s political decisions will have an enormous impact on all young Americans, which is why we hope you’ll participate in the democratic process this election by filling out Federal Election Commission Form 1 identifying yourselves as a 501(c)(4),” said Charles Koch, adding that if the nation’s 18-to-24-year-olds are going to help shape the future of the country, it is vital they begin soliciting millions of dollars in contributions from anonymous donors to be spent on a multilayered media strategy. “We don’t care if you spend your slush fund on attack ads, opposition research, push polling, or anything else—we just want you, the young people of America, to be involved. Managing a mostly unregulated war chest and concealing your strictly prohibited coordination with the candidate of your choice takes very little of your time. So please, don’t sit on the sidelines this November.” The Koch brothers added that they hoped today’s youth would stay politically active after the election by using their wealth to wield unending influence over their representative throughout his or her time in office.

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