Kodak, Nabisco Apologize For Drunken One-Night Merger

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Vol 35 Issue 13

Clinton Pours Malt Liquor On Ground For Dead Homies

WASHINGTON, DC—At a moving Rose Garden ceremony Monday, President Clinton poured a 40-ounce bottle of King Cobra malt liquor on the ground in honor of his dead homies. "Ron Brown, Vince Foster, James McDougal... y'all be my niggaz, and I will mourn you until I join you," Clinton said. "And to all my other policy advisors, cabinet members and business partners who didn't make it, I will see you at tha crossroads." Clinton then kissed two of his fingertips and extended them outward in a peace gesture.

Despite Claims, Long Story Not Made Short

SCHENECTADY, NY—Contrary to her pre-account vow, area resident Barb Schuyler's long story of how a series of cashier foul-ups at the grocery store Monday made her 25 minutes late for a dental appointment was not made short. "So then, it turns out the stupid woman forgot to ring in my Savers Club discount," Schuyler said to friend Gloria Conlon nine minutes into the non-abbreviated tale. The story is the 1,643rd Schuyler has failed to make short since 1994.

Van's Rocking Motion Discourages Would-Be Knocker

YUMA, AZ—The steady, back-and-forth motions of a 1979 Ford Econoline van sent "a clear message" to local resident Paul Dunne Monday, discouraging him from knocking. "I needed a jump-start for my car, and the closest vehicle was this van," Dunne said. "I was about to knock on the back window, but when I noticed that the van was clearly rocking, I didn't bother." Dunne instead received assistance from an adjacent, non-rocking vehicle.

Salvation Air Force Collecting Used Planes In Your Area

ALEXANDRIA, VA—The Salvation Air Force put out an urgent call to U.S. aviators Monday, urging them to bring any used or unwanted aircraft to their nearest Salvation Air Force location. "We desperately need all manner of jets, biplanes, helicopters, hot-air balloons, zeppelins and autogyros," said Salvation Air Force national commander Denise Puhl, who added that if a building is closed, aircraft can be left in the drop bin outside.

Connect Four-Playing Sis Pretty Sneaky

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Losing Connect Four player Tony Franck denounced his sis as "pretty sneaky" following her diagonal connection of four during a kitchen-table match Tuesday. "I realize that the rules allow for a diagonal arrangement of four checkers, and I fully concede victory to my sis and acknowledge her four-connecting prowess," Franck said following the match. "Still, I maintain that a significant measure of sneakiness was key to her victory." Franck next plans to attend the U.S. Stay Alive™ Championship Tournament in Hilo, HI, vowing, "I will be the sole survivor."
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Kodak, Nabisco Apologize For Drunken One-Night Merger

ROCHESTER, NY—Kodak CEO George Fisher apologized to shareholders Monday for a drunken one-night merger with Nabisco. "We kind of lost track of how much we'd had, one thing led to another, and, before you know it, we're signing contracts," a contrite Fisher said of the $490 billion deal. "I am deeply sorry for the mistake and hope that the 36,000 Kodak employees who were laid off in the merger will find it in their hearts to come back." Nabisco CEO James Kilts said his company is "still very much in love" with current partner R.J. Reynolds and expressed hope that "we can work through this and remain RJR-Nabisco for many years to come."

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