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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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KurrencyKook.com Gives New $100 Bill Mixed Review

WASHINGTON—Currency-themed website KurrencyKook.com weighed in on the Department of the Treasury’s soon-to-be-released 2013 line of $100 bills with a decidedly mixed review Thursday. “Overall, the bill is crisp and the inking is neatly done, and yet I can’t help but see this entire redesign as a bit of a missed opportunity,” said veteran currency reviewer John “The Buck” Mullen, who gave the banknote “62 cents out of 100” in his 1,100-word write-up. “The fine-line printing on the Benjamin Franklin portrait on its obverse is excellent, without a doubt, but ultimately, this only mildly pleasing bill is far from the Treasury’s best effort. It leaves one wondering, the farther away we get from the stunning 1996 redesign, if the Treasury will ever again match those lofty heights.” KurrencyKook’s review contrasted sharply with that of rival site MoneyManDan.com, which claimed the new bill was “the kind of legal tender design you dream about: elegant, forward-thinking—and, if I may, this baby looks like a million bucks.”

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