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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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KurrencyKook.com Gives New $100 Bill Mixed Review

WASHINGTON—Currency-themed website KurrencyKook.com weighed in on the Department of the Treasury’s soon-to-be-released 2013 line of $100 bills with a decidedly mixed review Thursday. “Overall, the bill is crisp and the inking is neatly done, and yet I can’t help but see this entire redesign as a bit of a missed opportunity,” said veteran currency reviewer John “The Buck” Mullen, who gave the banknote “62 cents out of 100” in his 1,100-word write-up. “The fine-line printing on the Benjamin Franklin portrait on its obverse is excellent, without a doubt, but ultimately, this only mildly pleasing bill is far from the Treasury’s best effort. It leaves one wondering, the farther away we get from the stunning 1996 redesign, if the Treasury will ever again match those lofty heights.” KurrencyKook’s review contrasted sharply with that of rival site MoneyManDan.com, which claimed the new bill was “the kind of legal tender design you dream about: elegant, forward-thinking—and, if I may, this baby looks like a million bucks.”

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