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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Kurt Warner Last Player Remaining From 1947 Cardinals

GLENDALE, AZ—Following a remarkable performance in his team's victory over the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner, the last remaining member of the Cardinals' 1947 championship team, took a moment to reflect on his long NFL career. "Marshall Goldberg, Babe Dimancheff, and Elmer Angsman—they were a great group of guys who would have loved to have been a part of this," Warner told reporters, adding, "You know, they didn't call it the Super Bowl back then. I mean no disrespect to this Cardinal team, or the one I led to the championship in 1925, but there was something special about that '47 squad." Though Warner said he has fallen out of touch with many of his former teammates, he still keeps in contact with 149-year-old Walter Camp, head coach of the Yale Bulldog team Warner led to a national championship in 1888.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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