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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Kyle Shanahan Admits Mother Helped Design Most Of Redskins Offensive Plays

WASHINGTON—Conceding that designing plays is a difficult task, Redskins offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan admitted Thursday that his mother, Peggy, helped him create most of the formations, schemes, and strategies in the Washington playbook. "My mom is so nice about it. I sometimes have trouble figuring out the blocking—especially what to do with the guards—and she always helps me, no problem," said Shanahan, adding that his mother is "way, way better" at getting Robert Griffin III space to run. "I'd ask my dad, but lots of times he gets upset that I can't figure things out, instead of just helping me and making me feel good." Kyle Shanahan, who confirmed that he talks to his mother on his headset during games, said that she offers encouragement as well as advice on how to get the tight ends more involved.

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