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L.A. Adds High-Speed Chase Lane To Freeway

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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L.A. Adds High-Speed Chase Lane To Freeway

LOS ANGELES—In an attempt to streamline its clogged highway system, the city of Los Angeles is setting aside the far left lane of all freeways for high-speed chases, it was announced Monday. "In the past, high-speed pursuits were hampered by law-abiding motorists blocking the lanes," LAPD sergeant Ken Hall said. "This led to crashes and a lot of hazardous swerving." Motorists who use the special lanes while not being pursued by LAPD squad cars will be subject to a $75 fine, from which they may exempt themselves by refusing to pull over.

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