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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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L.A. Adds High-Speed Chase Lane To Freeway

LOS ANGELES—In an attempt to streamline its clogged highway system, the city of Los Angeles is setting aside the far left lane of all freeways for high-speed chases, it was announced Monday. "In the past, high-speed pursuits were hampered by law-abiding motorists blocking the lanes," LAPD sergeant Ken Hall said. "This led to crashes and a lot of hazardous swerving." Motorists who use the special lanes while not being pursued by LAPD squad cars will be subject to a $75 fine, from which they may exempt themselves by refusing to pull over.

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