L.A. Efficiency Chosen As Site Of 2000 Libertarian Convention

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Vol 36 Issue 24

Secretary Pretty Sure Vending-Machine Guy Is That Uncaptured Serial Rapist

MONROE, MI–Midwest Heating & Air Conditioning secretary Liz Boorstein said Monday she is "almost positive" that the United Vending Services worker who comes by once a month to refill the break-room snack machine is the serial rapist reported on the loose in the area. "Don't you go in there alone if he's in there," Boorstein, 40, warned co-worker Jen Rall. "He looks just like the guy in the police sketch they had on the news. And once, he gave me this really weird look when he was putting in the Kit-Kats." In May, Boorstein was "100 percent sure" that a small hole in one of the ladies' room stalls was the work of a "Midwest Heating & Air-Conditioning peeping tom."

Man Watching Cleopatra 2525 Has No Time To Read

MCALESTER, OK–Despite his great love of literature, Cleopatra 2525 viewer Kenneth Washburn doesn't have time to read, the 33-year-old McAlester resident reported Monday. "Sure, I'd love to curl up with a good book a lot more often," said Washburn as he watched Cleopatra, an exotic dancer cryogenically frozen in 2001 and accidentally thawed out in 2525 by two female warriors, race through a futuristic cityscape to evade a horde of murderous Betrayer robots. "But, unfortunately, between work and chores and everything else, there just isn't much time." Washburn then flipped over to E! Wild On The Mediterranean during a commercial break.

Local Play Well-Attended By Friends, Family

WOONSOCKET, RI–The Woonsocket Community Players' summer production of The Music Man drew 200 friends and relatives of the cast to the Woonsocket Community Center Monday. "Rebecca sang so beautifully," said Eunice Banks, grandmother of Rebecca Stevens, who played Marian in the production. "And everyone else did a wonderful job." Similar accolades were lavished on the play by the sister of the pianist, the college roommate of the actor playing Mayor Shinn, and Woonsocket Register editor Edward Roth, whose wife costumed the play.

Trouble Again In TV's Africa

ATLANTA–Once again, trouble is brewing in TV's Africa, it was reported Monday on CNN, the network that airs the long-running continent. "In last night's episode of Headline News, there was major civil unrest in Mozambique," said viewer Larry Cronin of Peekskill, NY. "One of the characters, this insane guy called General Abuye, was waving this huge machete in front of a burning village. It was crazy. But then there was this really sad part, where this whole refugee camp full of AIDS-infected orphans were starving. I wonder what'll happen tonight." Africa, TV's 17th-rated geographic area this season, has not been number one in the News Nielsens since 1985, the year the Bob Geldof-hosted "Live Aid Airlift" season finale drew a record 45 million viewers.

Leather-Jacketed Congressman Makes Up His Own Rules

WASHINGTON, DC–U.S. Rep. Vinnie Abruzzo (I-NY), the greasy-haired, leather-jacketed legislator who joined Congress in January 1999, is fast earning a reputation as a man who makes up his own rules. "Just yesterday, Vinnie introduced H.R. 4673, which would amend the Internal Revenue Code of 1986 to provide for the establishment of medical security accounts for individuals who are 40 or older," said Rep. Howard Coble (R-NC). "When he did that, we were all like, 'Whoa, this guy's got his own set of laws he's making up here.' If we don't like it, I guess we could vote 'Nay,' but I don't know if that'd be such a good idea."

The Dot-Com Fallout

The darlings of Wall Street until March of this year, dot-com companies have fallen on hard times, with countless Internet businesses going belly-up or seeing their market value plummet. What do you think of the struggles of the New Economy?

Dressing Up Your Dog As Boba Fett Is Something You Have To Devote A Weekend To

I've always thought of myself as a creative guy. Whenever my friends in the Star Wars novel-reading club schedule a Sunday-night Star Wars viewing party, I like to get into the spirit of things by dressing up in a theme outfit. And, of course, a big part of the excitement is dressing up my pet Cocker Spaniel, Nikto, as a character from the films or expanded universe, too.
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L.A. Efficiency Chosen As Site Of 2000 Libertarian Convention

LOS ANGELES–Libertarian Party officials announced Monday that their 2000 National Convention will be held August 18–20 in an efficiency apartment just off La Brea Avenue in Los Angeles.

A worker makes preparations for the upcoming 2000 Libertarian Convention.

"As one of the nation's largest cities, Los Angeles provides an ideal stage for us to spread our message of personal and economic self-governance," said Libertarian national director Steve Dasbach, explaining his party's choice of venue at a kitchenette press conference. "Also, it was [Libertarian Party national chairman] David [Bergland]'s turn to host, since it was held at my place in '96."

The convention is expected to be the largest in party history, drawing upwards of 45 Libertarians to the second-floor apartment in the Mulholland Terrace complex. In preparation for the event, 15 extra folding chairs have been ordered by party leaders, as well as 12 two-liter bottles of Pepsi, Sprite, and Diet Mountain Dew.

"It is our belief that government's role is simply to defend the citizen from coercion and violence, and nothing more," said Libertarian presidential candidate Harry Browne, hanging a "Browne-Olivier 2000" banner above the efficiency's futon. "That means military service should be voluntary, the minimum wage should be eliminated, and taxes should be replaced with user fees for services."

Added Browne: "Feel free to take our two-minute quiz to find out if you're a Libertarian and don't even know it."

"We hold that all individuals have the right to exercise sole dominion over their own lives, and have the right to live in whatever manner they choose, so long as they do not forcibly interfere with the equal rights of others," said Dasbach, wearing a "Repeal All Sex Laws" button on his lapel. "This August, that ideal will pass from Apartment 12B to the world."

With one month to go before the convention, the Libertarian platform is set. The party will demand an end to government subsidies for businesses and farms, the elimination of patrols at U.S. borders, and the decriminalization of crack cocaine. Party members also support the making of traffic signals "recommended but not mandatory," as well as a plan to move America's heavy industry to platforms in low Earth orbit by 2007.

The Ohio and Vermont delegations rally during the 1996 Libertarian Convention.

Despite such philosophical unity, some decisions still need to be made before the convention. Seating arrangements are in flux as organizers await word of the pro-LSD lobby's attendance, as well as that of the Illinois delegation's wife. Pizza toppings also remain up in the air, with a key bloc of five Southern delegates favoring pepperoni over the more popular mushroom-and-green-pepper for the planned six extra-large pies.

"The number of topics and speakers on our agenda was the reason we couldn't hold the convention at the Ventura Boulevard Denny's as originally planned," said Holly Pfizer, convention co-chair and one of the nation's leading advocates of the privatization of police. "Plus, they add a 15 percent gratuity for parties of eight or more, and that would have severely depleted our campaign war chest."

A portion of the money saved by not holding the convention at Denny's will go toward the featured entertainment, a live performance by singer Don Henley that was recorded in 1998 and will be played on the apartment's stereo.

"Whenever you have this many Libertarians in one place, there's going to be some disagreement," said author and gun-control opponent William McPeters, who will deliver a speech titled, "Why I Abandoned The GOP, And How America's Drug-Legalization Activists Can Profit From The Coming Economic Devaluation." "But if America's Libertarians join together as a strong, unified force, well, there's just no limit to what 57 people can accomplish."

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