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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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L.A. Mayor Pledges To Eat Sackful Of New York Garbage If Kings Lose Stanley Cup

LOS ANGELES—In keeping with the traditional friendly wager that typically accompanies the Stanley Cup Finals, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti announced Wednesday that he has pledged to eat an entire sackful of New York City garbage if the Kings lose the series. “With the Kings just one victory away from the Cup, I thought I’d make things interesting by promising to chow down on some of the Big Apple’s finest refuse if the Rangers manage to come back from three games down and beat us,” Garcetti told reporters, noting that in the event that the Rangers win the championship, the conditions of his bet with New York mayor Bill de Blasio require him to don a Henrik Lundqvist jersey and consume the contents of a trash bag filled to the brim with rotten food, cigarette butts, empty milk cartons dripping with an unidentified brown liquid, and other waste from all five boroughs. “Fortunately, I don’t think it’s going to come to that, not with our Kings on the ice representing the greatest city in the world. But, hey, may the best team win. Go Kings Go!” Garcetti went on to say that should L.A. prevail in the finals, de Blasio must accede to the terms of the wager by choking down an entire Hawaiian BBQ Chicken pizza from California Pizza Kitchen.

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