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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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L.A. Mayor Pledges To Eat Sackful Of New York Garbage If Kings Lose Stanley Cup

LOS ANGELES—In keeping with the traditional friendly wager that typically accompanies the Stanley Cup Finals, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti announced Wednesday that he has pledged to eat an entire sackful of New York City garbage if the Kings lose the series. “With the Kings just one victory away from the Cup, I thought I’d make things interesting by promising to chow down on some of the Big Apple’s finest refuse if the Rangers manage to come back from three games down and beat us,” Garcetti told reporters, noting that in the event that the Rangers win the championship, the conditions of his bet with New York mayor Bill de Blasio require him to don a Henrik Lundqvist jersey and consume the contents of a trash bag filled to the brim with rotten food, cigarette butts, empty milk cartons dripping with an unidentified brown liquid, and other waste from all five boroughs. “Fortunately, I don’t think it’s going to come to that, not with our Kings on the ice representing the greatest city in the world. But, hey, may the best team win. Go Kings Go!” Garcetti went on to say that should L.A. prevail in the finals, de Blasio must accede to the terms of the wager by choking down an entire Hawaiian BBQ Chicken pizza from California Pizza Kitchen.

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