adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

L.A. Mayor Pledges To Eat Sackful Of New York Garbage If Kings Lose Stanley Cup

LOS ANGELES—In keeping with the traditional friendly wager that typically accompanies the Stanley Cup Finals, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti announced Wednesday that he has pledged to eat an entire sackful of New York City garbage if the Kings lose the series. “With the Kings just one victory away from the Cup, I thought I’d make things interesting by promising to chow down on some of the Big Apple’s finest refuse if the Rangers manage to come back from three games down and beat us,” Garcetti told reporters, noting that in the event that the Rangers win the championship, the conditions of his bet with New York mayor Bill de Blasio require him to don a Henrik Lundqvist jersey and consume the contents of a trash bag filled to the brim with rotten food, cigarette butts, empty milk cartons dripping with an unidentified brown liquid, and other waste from all five boroughs. “Fortunately, I don’t think it’s going to come to that, not with our Kings on the ice representing the greatest city in the world. But, hey, may the best team win. Go Kings Go!” Garcetti went on to say that should L.A. prevail in the finals, de Blasio must accede to the terms of the wager by choking down an entire Hawaiian BBQ Chicken pizza from California Pizza Kitchen.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close