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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Lab Rabbit Strongly Recommends Cover Girl Waterproof Mascara For Sensitive Eyes

CINCINNATI–LR-4427, a two-year-old laboratory rabbit at Procter & Gamble's cosmetics testing facility, Monday gave his full endorsement to Cover Girl Long & Luscious waterproof mascara for sensitive eyes.

Lab rabbit LR-4427 enjoys all-day glamour with Cover Girl Long & Luscious mascara.

"Cover Girl Long & Luscious waterproof mascara will dramatically magnify your lashes for a look that's glamorous and natural," LR-4427 said. "And the great part is, they won't irritate your eyes, even if you accidentally smear some over your clamped-open eyeballs with a Q-tip and can't flush it out for 48 hours."

LR-4427 said he also likes the fact that the Cover Girl product stays on, rain or shine.

"No matter what the weather, you're guaranteed gorgeous lashes with Long & Luscious mascara," LR-4427 said. "And they'll stay that way all day long, in 10 hours of 200-degree heat from a hair dryer or icy blasts from a shower head."

In the past six months, LR-4427 said he has tried "literally hundreds" of different mascaras. Of these, he said, Cover Girl Long & Luscious offers the best combination of good looks, durability, and non-corrosiveness.

"The Cover Girl mascara they ground into my right eye is 10 times better than the Max Factor Midnight Thicklash that was ground into my left," said LR-4427, speaking from immobilization cage 39B. "The Max Factor stuff is greasy and cheap-looking, not satiny and sophisticated like Cover Girl. And, unlike Cover Girl, Max Factor doesn't wash away easily–not even with industrial soap and steel-wool scouring pads."

According to LR-4427, eyes are the first thing you notice about a person. And nothing is more important to the look of a woman's eyes than mascara.

"If you're anything like me, you hate it when the look you spent all day perfecting is ruined by your mascara running or dripping," said LR-4427, cocking his head as much as possible inside his plastic holdfast collar. "Well, your worries are over, because Cover Girl Long & Luscious stays on your eyes right where the injectors put it. With Long & Luscious, there's no need to cauterize your tear ducts shut, unlike some mascaras I could mention."

LR-4427 added that clinical tests have proven that Cover Girl Long & Luscious will leave your lashes 40 percent thicker than Elizabeth Arden mascara. In addition, Long & Luscious will feel 50 percent less like your eyes are melting down your cheeks after being pierced with red-hot fireplace pokers.

"The last thing you want right before a big date is to lose confidence in your mascara," LR-4427 said. "You need to know that his eyes will be on yours–not on any chemical scarring."

"And if you have a long day... or night," continued LR-4427, attempting a saucy wink despite his surgically excised eyelids, "touch-up's a breeze. Just pack more Long & Luscious into your orbital sockets, your nostrils, your anus–any of the delicate tissues that get stressed by your busy lifestyle–and you're ready to go."

LR-4427 then returned to work, where he is finishing up testing a new aloe-scented exfoliating scrub before being reassigned to Procter & Gamble's small-arms ammunition division.

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