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Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Lab Rabbit Strongly Recommends Cover Girl Waterproof Mascara For Sensitive Eyes

CINCINNATI–LR-4427, a two-year-old laboratory rabbit at Procter & Gamble's cosmetics testing facility, Monday gave his full endorsement to Cover Girl Long & Luscious waterproof mascara for sensitive eyes.

Lab rabbit LR-4427 enjoys all-day glamour with Cover Girl Long & Luscious mascara.

"Cover Girl Long & Luscious waterproof mascara will dramatically magnify your lashes for a look that's glamorous and natural," LR-4427 said. "And the great part is, they won't irritate your eyes, even if you accidentally smear some over your clamped-open eyeballs with a Q-tip and can't flush it out for 48 hours."

LR-4427 said he also likes the fact that the Cover Girl product stays on, rain or shine.

"No matter what the weather, you're guaranteed gorgeous lashes with Long & Luscious mascara," LR-4427 said. "And they'll stay that way all day long, in 10 hours of 200-degree heat from a hair dryer or icy blasts from a shower head."

In the past six months, LR-4427 said he has tried "literally hundreds" of different mascaras. Of these, he said, Cover Girl Long & Luscious offers the best combination of good looks, durability, and non-corrosiveness.

"The Cover Girl mascara they ground into my right eye is 10 times better than the Max Factor Midnight Thicklash that was ground into my left," said LR-4427, speaking from immobilization cage 39B. "The Max Factor stuff is greasy and cheap-looking, not satiny and sophisticated like Cover Girl. And, unlike Cover Girl, Max Factor doesn't wash away easily–not even with industrial soap and steel-wool scouring pads."

According to LR-4427, eyes are the first thing you notice about a person. And nothing is more important to the look of a woman's eyes than mascara.

"If you're anything like me, you hate it when the look you spent all day perfecting is ruined by your mascara running or dripping," said LR-4427, cocking his head as much as possible inside his plastic holdfast collar. "Well, your worries are over, because Cover Girl Long & Luscious stays on your eyes right where the injectors put it. With Long & Luscious, there's no need to cauterize your tear ducts shut, unlike some mascaras I could mention."

LR-4427 added that clinical tests have proven that Cover Girl Long & Luscious will leave your lashes 40 percent thicker than Elizabeth Arden mascara. In addition, Long & Luscious will feel 50 percent less like your eyes are melting down your cheeks after being pierced with red-hot fireplace pokers.

"The last thing you want right before a big date is to lose confidence in your mascara," LR-4427 said. "You need to know that his eyes will be on yours–not on any chemical scarring."

"And if you have a long day... or night," continued LR-4427, attempting a saucy wink despite his surgically excised eyelids, "touch-up's a breeze. Just pack more Long & Luscious into your orbital sockets, your nostrils, your anus–any of the delicate tissues that get stressed by your busy lifestyle–and you're ready to go."

LR-4427 then returned to work, where he is finishing up testing a new aloe-scented exfoliating scrub before being reassigned to Procter & Gamble's small-arms ammunition division.

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