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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Labor Dept. Creates 20,000 New Hobbies For Nation's Jobless

WASHINGTON—The federal government announced Monday that 20,000 new hobbies would be made available to the nation's 14 million unemployed people in an effort to keep them occupied with mildly diverting pastimes. "If we can't get job legislation passed, the least we can do is provide these citizens with something to do during the workday," Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said of the new federally recommended hobbies, which include Tuesday morning board game leagues, vintage computer-monitor collecting, and finding quick ways to streamline your cell phone contacts. "It is our hope that Americans will take comfort in novel activities such as rearranging the contents of their refrigerator so it looks like a photo from a magazine, as these things don't require a lot of money, just a lot of effort." Many are comparing the move to the Give Them Something Shiny To Look At initiative from 2009, which was a temporary success.

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