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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Labor Dept. Creates 20,000 New Hobbies For Nation's Jobless

WASHINGTON—The federal government announced Monday that 20,000 new hobbies would be made available to the nation's 14 million unemployed people in an effort to keep them occupied with mildly diverting pastimes. "If we can't get job legislation passed, the least we can do is provide these citizens with something to do during the workday," Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said of the new federally recommended hobbies, which include Tuesday morning board game leagues, vintage computer-monitor collecting, and finding quick ways to streamline your cell phone contacts. "It is our hope that Americans will take comfort in novel activities such as rearranging the contents of their refrigerator so it looks like a photo from a magazine, as these things don't require a lot of money, just a lot of effort." Many are comparing the move to the Give Them Something Shiny To Look At initiative from 2009, which was a temporary success.

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