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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Labor Secretary Letting 8 Million Unemployed Americans Crash At His Place Until They Get Back On Their Feet

WASHINGTON—Assuring them it isn’t much trouble at all, U.S. Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez is reportedly allowing all 7.8 million unemployed Americans to crash at his place until they are able to get back on their feet, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s really nice of Tom to let us stay here while we look for a job—he’s been pretty cool with us sleeping in the living room and said we could have whatever’s left in the fridge,” said Topeka, KS resident Christina Lowe, adding that Perez had provided her and the millions of other out-of-work citizens residing with him a couple towels, extra blankets from the hallway closet, and a Post-it note with the Wi-Fi password. “He’s been really great about letting us use his computer to submit job applications and print off résumés, and he even made an extra million sets of keys so we can head out for interviews whenever we need to. We’ve been trying to pitch in by doing our dishes and folding all the blankets in the morning so that he hardly even notices we’re here.” Lowe admitted to reporters that the only downside to Perez’s generous accommodations was the long wait each morning for the shower, which usually ran out of hot water after the first couple thousand people had used it.

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