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Labor Secretary Letting 8 Million Unemployed Americans Crash At His Place Until They Get Back On Their Feet

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

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PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

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WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Labor Secretary Letting 8 Million Unemployed Americans Crash At His Place Until They Get Back On Their Feet

WASHINGTON—Assuring them it isn’t much trouble at all, U.S. Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez is reportedly allowing all 7.8 million unemployed Americans to crash at his place until they are able to get back on their feet, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s really nice of Tom to let us stay here while we look for a job—he’s been pretty cool with us sleeping in the living room and said we could have whatever’s left in the fridge,” said Topeka, KS resident Christina Lowe, adding that Perez had provided her and the millions of other out-of-work citizens residing with him a couple towels, extra blankets from the hallway closet, and a Post-it note with the Wi-Fi password. “He’s been really great about letting us use his computer to submit job applications and print off résumés, and he even made an extra million sets of keys so we can head out for interviews whenever we need to. We’ve been trying to pitch in by doing our dishes and folding all the blankets in the morning so that he hardly even notices we’re here.” Lowe admitted to reporters that the only downside to Perez’s generous accommodations was the long wait each morning for the shower, which usually ran out of hot water after the first couple thousand people had used it.

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