adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
End Of Section
  • More News

Labor Secretary Letting 8 Million Unemployed Americans Crash At His Place Until They Get Back On Their Feet

WASHINGTON—Assuring them it isn’t much trouble at all, U.S. Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez is reportedly allowing all 7.8 million unemployed Americans to crash at his place until they are able to get back on their feet, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s really nice of Tom to let us stay here while we look for a job—he’s been pretty cool with us sleeping in the living room and said we could have whatever’s left in the fridge,” said Topeka, KS resident Christina Lowe, adding that Perez had provided her and the millions of other out-of-work citizens residing with him a couple towels, extra blankets from the hallway closet, and a Post-it note with the Wi-Fi password. “He’s been really great about letting us use his computer to submit job applications and print off résumés, and he even made an extra million sets of keys so we can head out for interviews whenever we need to. We’ve been trying to pitch in by doing our dishes and folding all the blankets in the morning so that he hardly even notices we’re here.” Lowe admitted to reporters that the only downside to Perez’s generous accommodations was the long wait each morning for the shower, which usually ran out of hot water after the first couple thousand people had used it.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close