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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Labor Secretary Letting 8 Million Unemployed Americans Crash At His Place Until They Get Back On Their Feet

WASHINGTON—Assuring them it isn’t much trouble at all, U.S. Secretary of Labor Thomas Perez is reportedly allowing all 7.8 million unemployed Americans to crash at his place until they are able to get back on their feet, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s really nice of Tom to let us stay here while we look for a job—he’s been pretty cool with us sleeping in the living room and said we could have whatever’s left in the fridge,” said Topeka, KS resident Christina Lowe, adding that Perez had provided her and the millions of other out-of-work citizens residing with him a couple towels, extra blankets from the hallway closet, and a Post-it note with the Wi-Fi password. “He’s been really great about letting us use his computer to submit job applications and print off résumés, and he even made an extra million sets of keys so we can head out for interviews whenever we need to. We’ve been trying to pitch in by doing our dishes and folding all the blankets in the morning so that he hardly even notices we’re here.” Lowe admitted to reporters that the only downside to Perez’s generous accommodations was the long wait each morning for the shower, which usually ran out of hot water after the first couple thousand people had used it.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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