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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Lack Of Media Interest Makes Genocide Cover-Up Unnecessary

AFMADOW, SOMALIA—Utter global disinterest in the wholesale slaughter of 250,000 ethnic Bajuni people this week has caused Somali warlord Maj. Fortunate Charles to regret all the effort he put into covering up the atrocities. "I went out of my way to hide the corpses in secret mass graves, I burnt entire villages to the ground to destroy evidence—all for nothing," said Charles, adding that he had expected intense media scrutiny or at least some kind of U.N. fact-finding mission. "Next time, I'll leave them lying where they fall with the machetes still in their heads." Charles said he was also upset about the money he'd wasted on the custom-fitted Italian suit he had intended to wear while on trial in the Hague.

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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