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Lack Of Media Interest Makes Genocide Cover-Up Unnecessary

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Lack Of Media Interest Makes Genocide Cover-Up Unnecessary

AFMADOW, SOMALIA—Utter global disinterest in the wholesale slaughter of 250,000 ethnic Bajuni people this week has caused Somali warlord Maj. Fortunate Charles to regret all the effort he put into covering up the atrocities. "I went out of my way to hide the corpses in secret mass graves, I burnt entire villages to the ground to destroy evidence—all for nothing," said Charles, adding that he had expected intense media scrutiny or at least some kind of U.N. fact-finding mission. "Next time, I'll leave them lying where they fall with the machetes still in their heads." Charles said he was also upset about the money he'd wasted on the custom-fitted Italian suit he had intended to wear while on trial in the Hague.

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