34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Lack Of Sexual Tension With Coworker Almost Unbearable

OMAHA, NE—Calling it “impossible to ignore,” Burton Consulting employee David Shannon, 29, confirmed on Monday that the palpable lack of sexual tension between him and his coworker Lindsey Weis, 27, was driving him crazy. “The complete absence of mutual attraction is there—you can cut it with a knife,” said Shannon, explaining that the look in Weis’ eyes alone gave away her utter disinterest in him. “It’s torture. Every time we talk, there’s this subtext of her total indifference to me that I don’t know if I can handle much longer. I mean, how am I supposed to concentrate when this neutrality between us seems to be filling the whole room?” Shannon added that if the current situation with Weis persisted, he’d have to get transferred to a new department before nothing happened between them.


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