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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Lack Of Sexual Tension With Coworker Almost Unbearable

OMAHA, NE—Calling it “impossible to ignore,” Burton Consulting employee David Shannon, 29, confirmed on Monday that the palpable lack of sexual tension between him and his coworker Lindsey Weis, 27, was driving him crazy. “The complete absence of mutual attraction is there—you can cut it with a knife,” said Shannon, explaining that the look in Weis’ eyes alone gave away her utter disinterest in him. “It’s torture. Every time we talk, there’s this subtext of her total indifference to me that I don’t know if I can handle much longer. I mean, how am I supposed to concentrate when this neutrality between us seems to be filling the whole room?” Shannon added that if the current situation with Weis persisted, he’d have to get transferred to a new department before nothing happened between them.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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