Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Lack Of Sexual Tension With Coworker Almost Unbearable

OMAHA, NE—Calling it “impossible to ignore,” Burton Consulting employee David Shannon, 29, confirmed on Monday that the palpable lack of sexual tension between him and his coworker Lindsey Weis, 27, was driving him crazy. “The complete absence of mutual attraction is there—you can cut it with a knife,” said Shannon, explaining that the look in Weis’ eyes alone gave away her utter disinterest in him. “It’s torture. Every time we talk, there’s this subtext of her total indifference to me that I don’t know if I can handle much longer. I mean, how am I supposed to concentrate when this neutrality between us seems to be filling the whole room?” Shannon added that if the current situation with Weis persisted, he’d have to get transferred to a new department before nothing happened between them.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.