Lack Of Sexual Tension With Coworker Almost Unbearable

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 39

Jay Kogen

Caricature artist Jay Kogen went easy on the jowls.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week four games: 49ers at Rams OSN’s Lock Of The Week: 49ers — The 49ers will rebound after a pair of tough losses in...

Scientists Recommend Having Earth Put Down

FORT COLLINS, CO—Claiming that it is the humane thing to do, and that the planet is “just going to suffer” if kept alive any longer, members of the world’s scientific community recommended today that Earth be put down. “We re...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Personal Finance

Lack Of Sexual Tension With Coworker Almost Unbearable

OMAHA, NE—Calling it “impossible to ignore,” Burton Consulting employee David Shannon, 29, confirmed on Monday that the palpable lack of sexual tension between him and his coworker Lindsey Weis, 27, was driving him crazy. “The complete absence of mutual attraction is there—you can cut it with a knife,” said Shannon, explaining that the look in Weis’ eyes alone gave away her utter disinterest in him. “It’s torture. Every time we talk, there’s this subtext of her total indifference to me that I don’t know if I can handle much longer. I mean, how am I supposed to concentrate when this neutrality between us seems to be filling the whole room?” Shannon added that if the current situation with Weis persisted, he’d have to get transferred to a new department before nothing happened between them.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More