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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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LaDainian Tomlinson Enters Camp In Top Week-3, 2nd-Quarter, 4th-Offensive-Series Form

CORTLAND, NY—Jets coaches praised the conditioning of 10-year veteran LaDainian Tomlinson Monday, saying the running back showed up for camp in the shape typical of a player midway through the fourth offensive series of the second quarter of the third game of the season. "We were worried that he'd come to camp looking like a player in the third series of the fourth quarter during a Week 15 game, third down, four yards to go, deep in his own territory with the clock running. It's a concern, given his age," head coach Rex Ryan told reporters. "At best, we expected him to work out like a running back in the ninth play of a clock-burning drive in the second quarter on the road against a division opponent's 4-3 defense that has been sniffing out the play-action all day, but LaDainian's fitness is a nice surprise." Reporters observing the Jets' workout say the rest of the team's offense is playing at its usual second-week-of-summer-school-at-a-technical-college level.

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