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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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LaDainian Tomlinson Enters Camp In Top Week-3, 2nd-Quarter, 4th-Offensive-Series Form

CORTLAND, NY—Jets coaches praised the conditioning of 10-year veteran LaDainian Tomlinson Monday, saying the running back showed up for camp in the shape typical of a player midway through the fourth offensive series of the second quarter of the third game of the season. "We were worried that he'd come to camp looking like a player in the third series of the fourth quarter during a Week 15 game, third down, four yards to go, deep in his own territory with the clock running. It's a concern, given his age," head coach Rex Ryan told reporters. "At best, we expected him to work out like a running back in the ninth play of a clock-burning drive in the second quarter on the road against a division opponent's 4-3 defense that has been sniffing out the play-action all day, but LaDainian's fitness is a nice surprise." Reporters observing the Jets' workout say the rest of the team's offense is playing at its usual second-week-of-summer-school-at-a-technical-college level.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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