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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Lady Gaga Panics After Hearing Name Called For Halftime Show While Waiting In Line For Bathroom

HOUSTON—Looking around anxiously from her place in the NRG Stadium concourse, Lady Gaga reportedly panicked Sunday after hearing her name introduced to the crowd for the Super Bowl LI halftime show while she was still waiting in line for the bathroom. “Oh shit, that’s me!” said the pop star, anxiously craning her neck to count the number of people ahead of her in line as the opening strains of her first song echoed from the stadium’s PA system. “C’mon, hurry up! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” At press time, Lady Gaga was reportedly seen haphazardly readjusting her transparent bodysuit while sprinting out of the bathroom.

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