Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Lady Gaga Panics After Hearing Name Called For Halftime Show While Waiting In Line For Bathroom

HOUSTON—Looking around anxiously from her place in the NRG Stadium concourse, Lady Gaga reportedly panicked Sunday after hearing her name introduced to the crowd for the Super Bowl LI halftime show while she was still waiting in line for the bathroom. “Oh shit, that’s me!” said the pop star, anxiously craning her neck to count the number of people ahead of her in line as the opening strains of her first song echoed from the stadium’s PA system. “C’mon, hurry up! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” At press time, Lady Gaga was reportedly seen haphazardly readjusting her transparent bodysuit while sprinting out of the bathroom.

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