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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Laffy Taffy Sponsors Every Cobblestone At 9/11 Memorial

One of the thousands of commemorative Laffy Taffy 9/11 cobblestones.
One of the thousands of commemorative Laffy Taffy 9/11 cobblestones.

NEW YORK—The makers of Laffy Taffy, a chewy fruit-flavored candy known for the lighthearted jokes printed on each wrapper, announced Tuesday they would pay tribute to the victims of 9/11 by sponsoring every single cobblestone at the World Trade Center memorial. "No one can ever forget the events of that tragic day, and Laffy Taffy is proud to honor the families of our fallen heroes," a company spokesperson said at a press conference held near Ground Zero in Lower Manhattan. "When we chisel the words 'Laffy Taffy' into each eternal stone on this sacred ground, we will show the citizens of our great, enduring nation that despite any calamity, they can always count on Laffy Taffy." Company sources also confirmed that victims of the famine in Somalia had received more than 10,000 pounds of Laffy Taffy.

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