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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Laffy Taffy Sponsors Every Cobblestone At 9/11 Memorial

One of the thousands of commemorative Laffy Taffy 9/11 cobblestones.
One of the thousands of commemorative Laffy Taffy 9/11 cobblestones.

NEW YORK—The makers of Laffy Taffy, a chewy fruit-flavored candy known for the lighthearted jokes printed on each wrapper, announced Tuesday they would pay tribute to the victims of 9/11 by sponsoring every single cobblestone at the World Trade Center memorial. "No one can ever forget the events of that tragic day, and Laffy Taffy is proud to honor the families of our fallen heroes," a company spokesperson said at a press conference held near Ground Zero in Lower Manhattan. "When we chisel the words 'Laffy Taffy' into each eternal stone on this sacred ground, we will show the citizens of our great, enduring nation that despite any calamity, they can always count on Laffy Taffy." Company sources also confirmed that victims of the famine in Somalia had received more than 10,000 pounds of Laffy Taffy.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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