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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Laffy Taffy Sponsors Every Cobblestone At 9/11 Memorial

One of the thousands of commemorative Laffy Taffy 9/11 cobblestones.
One of the thousands of commemorative Laffy Taffy 9/11 cobblestones.

NEW YORK—The makers of Laffy Taffy, a chewy fruit-flavored candy known for the lighthearted jokes printed on each wrapper, announced Tuesday they would pay tribute to the victims of 9/11 by sponsoring every single cobblestone at the World Trade Center memorial. "No one can ever forget the events of that tragic day, and Laffy Taffy is proud to honor the families of our fallen heroes," a company spokesperson said at a press conference held near Ground Zero in Lower Manhattan. "When we chisel the words 'Laffy Taffy' into each eternal stone on this sacred ground, we will show the citizens of our great, enduring nation that despite any calamity, they can always count on Laffy Taffy." Company sources also confirmed that victims of the famine in Somalia had received more than 10,000 pounds of Laffy Taffy.

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