adBlockCheck

Laid-Back Voices Urging Man To Kill His Family When He Gets A Chance

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Laid-Back Voices Urging Man To Kill His Family When He Gets A Chance

The voices say Kepler should take his time and butcher his loved ones at his own pace.
The voices say Kepler should take his time and butcher his loved ones at his own pace.

CLAYTON, MO—According to easygoing voices inside the head of local man Tom Kepler, 39, the husband and father of three should maybe consider murdering his whole family when he has a minute, if it isn't too much trouble.

The disembodied voices, which Kepler has been hearing on and off for the past eight months, confirmed Tuesday that while it would certainly be great if Kepler could brutally kill his sleeping family in the dead of night soon, there was absolutely no pressure to do so "right this second or anything."

"Look, Tom has a lot on his plate, so the last thing we want to do is seem like we're nagging him about this," the voices in Kepler's psyche told reporters. "We really just want to make things as hassle-free as possible for him. If he happens to find the time in the next few weeks to murder his wife and children and chop them into little pieces, that would be fantastic, but if not, no big deal."

"He knows this is something he has to do," the phantom voices continued. "And he'll get to it when he's ready."

While emphasizing that Kepler's loved ones were indeed agents of the devil who deserved to die violently by his hand—preferably before the end of the month, if that's at all feasible—the voices were quick to add that "teaching [his] wife and children a lesson" was something Kepler should feel free to take care of on his own schedule.

According to the voices, whatever method Kepler eventually chooses, be it shooting, stabbing, strangling, or even tying his family's hands with fishing line and drowning them one by one in the town reservoir, would be "totally cool" with them, and that he shouldn't worry too much about the little details, as they would eventually sort themselves out.

"There's no deadline on this thing, honestly, and if he feels like it's too much for him to take on right now then we're okay with him holding off for a bit," the voices told reporters, moments before calmly murmuring to Kepler that "it's all good, just slit their throats whenever." "After all, if we push him on it, he's just going to wind up stressing out and killing himself, and of course we don't want him to do that until after he's killed Karen and the kids."

The patient voices acknowledged Tuesday that getting Kepler all worked up now would risk scaring his family away, making his task far more troublesome because he would then have to track down his wife and kids at his inlaws' house in Jefferson City and slaughter all of them with a shotgun there.

In the meantime, the voices said they would continue to remain "100 percent supportive" of Kepler, and that they have been very impressed by some of his recent behavior, such as snapping at his children for no reason, standing over his wife while she's sleeping and staring at her, and going down into the basement to quietly laugh at nothing.

"Tom's a sweetheart of a guy, he really is, and we're going to do everything we can to be there for our buddy," said the voices, adding that they didn't want to add any undue pressure on him, "unlike that bitch wife of his who suffocates him and needs to be put in her place." "If he's feeling lonely, we'll be around to whisper to him while he's watching television alone at 3 a.m. or sitting in a dark room, crying. That's what we're here for."

"Tom will figure things out soon enough," the voices continued. "And just imagine how clean and pure he's going to feel once he's finally drained all the blood from his kids' bodies and bathed in it before God Himself."

At press time, the voices reported that Kepler's wife just went into the garage to get a broom and he might want to think about grabbing that electric carving knife next to the sink and following her in there, "if he's into it."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close