adBlockCheck

Laid-Off Pittsburgh Mill Worker To Put Off Suicide Until After Super Bowl

Top Headlines

Sports

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Laid-Off Pittsburgh Mill Worker To Put Off Suicide Until After Super Bowl

PITTSBURGH—Recently laid-off steelworker and football fan Marcus Aniello announced that he would postpone his impending suicide attempt until after the Steelers take on the Arizona Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII. "I was going to spare myself the shame of coming home to my family every day and telling them I still hadn't found a job, but I kinda wanna see what Big Ben [Roethlisberger] can do against that sorry excuse for a defense," Aniello said on a recent trip to the gun shop. "Normally I would have thrown myself in the blast furnace the day I got laid off, but the Steelers had clinched the AFC North the day before, and then I watched them beat the Ravens from the top of the Fort Duquesne Bridge, and here we are. Their logo being the same as the American Iron and Steel Institute's kind of makes me want to cry a little every time I see it, and if they lose.... Well, you know." Should the Steelers win, Aniello plans to attend the victory parade and swallow a bottle of sleeping pills during the Pirates' Opening Day game.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close