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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Laid-Off Pittsburgh Mill Worker To Put Off Suicide Until After Super Bowl

PITTSBURGH—Recently laid-off steelworker and football fan Marcus Aniello announced that he would postpone his impending suicide attempt until after the Steelers take on the Arizona Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII. "I was going to spare myself the shame of coming home to my family every day and telling them I still hadn't found a job, but I kinda wanna see what Big Ben [Roethlisberger] can do against that sorry excuse for a defense," Aniello said on a recent trip to the gun shop. "Normally I would have thrown myself in the blast furnace the day I got laid off, but the Steelers had clinched the AFC North the day before, and then I watched them beat the Ravens from the top of the Fort Duquesne Bridge, and here we are. Their logo being the same as the American Iron and Steel Institute's kind of makes me want to cry a little every time I see it, and if they lose.... Well, you know." Should the Steelers win, Aniello plans to attend the victory parade and swallow a bottle of sleeping pills during the Pirates' Opening Day game.

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