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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Lakers Accidentally Trade For 7-Inch-Tall Center Dwink Howard

LOS ANGELES—An embarrassed Lakers management called a press conference Friday morning to announce they had accidentally orchestrated a four-team deal to acquire 7-inch center Dwink Howard, instead of 7-foot center Dwight Howard, as they had intended. "Clearly Dwink doesn't bring quite as much to the table as Dwight would have, but we're trying to remain positive and focus on how much Dwink will improve the atmosphere around here," said Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak, referring to Dwink Howard's proclivity for boosting team morale with his squeaky inspirational speeches and teensy locker room hijinks. "He just might be the tiny piece we need to help us win another NBA championship. And now that Andrew Bynum’s gone, we don't have to worry so much about somebody smooshing him." Kupchak closed the press conference by suggesting the Lakers were attempting to offset Thursday's mistake with an attempt to acquire 70-foot power forward/center Emega Okafor from the Wizards.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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