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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Lakers GM Claims Mike D'Antoni Had More Impressive Cover Letter Than Phil Jackson

LOS ANGELES—Following his team’s surprising decision not to hire Phil Jackson as its new head coach, Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak told reporters Tuesday that Mike D’Antoni had won the job by sending an incredibly polished, well-written, and far superior cover letter. “Mike really blew us away when he described his 10 years of NBA head coaching experience and his specific ideas for improving our offense,” said Kupchak, adding that the former Knicks coach also included Steve Nash, Mike Krzyzewski, and Steve Kerr as professional references, while Jackson’s letter was only a half page of double-spaced text containing numerous typos. “Frankly, Phil didn’t put a whole lot of effort into his application. In the skills section, he just wrote ‘superior communication abilities’ and ‘thriving in a fast-paced environment,’ which don’t really mean anything. Also, I think he repurposed an old letter, because it was addressed to a ‘Mr. Krause.’” At press time, upon verifying Jackson’s employment history, Kupchak confirmed that the Hall of Fame coach had lied on his résumé about having won 19 NBA championships.

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