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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Lakers GM Claims Mike D'Antoni Had More Impressive Cover Letter Than Phil Jackson

LOS ANGELES—Following his team’s surprising decision not to hire Phil Jackson as its new head coach, Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak told reporters Tuesday that Mike D’Antoni had won the job by sending an incredibly polished, well-written, and far superior cover letter. “Mike really blew us away when he described his 10 years of NBA head coaching experience and his specific ideas for improving our offense,” said Kupchak, adding that the former Knicks coach also included Steve Nash, Mike Krzyzewski, and Steve Kerr as professional references, while Jackson’s letter was only a half page of double-spaced text containing numerous typos. “Frankly, Phil didn’t put a whole lot of effort into his application. In the skills section, he just wrote ‘superior communication abilities’ and ‘thriving in a fast-paced environment,’ which don’t really mean anything. Also, I think he repurposed an old letter, because it was addressed to a ‘Mr. Krause.’” At press time, upon verifying Jackson’s employment history, Kupchak confirmed that the Hall of Fame coach had lied on his résumé about having won 19 NBA championships.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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